Speaking the Truth

A spirit of magnanimity has overtaken X-Ray Specs. Who knows what has brought this about? Perhaps it's the first sun-drenched salvos of spring upending our seasonal depression. Or could it be the misty-eyed nostalgia of encroaching graduation, or maybe our belated discovery of the joys of Napster? In any case, we have decided to abandon the critical muckraking posture of our last two dispatches for a dose of unconditional good cheer, possessing no aim but the betterment and uplift of our precious institution.

We at X-Ray Specs would like to offer a helping hand to our peers who are hard at work planning the Columbia College graduation festivities in May by offering a few suggestions for Class Day speaker. We believe each person on the list would deliver a rousing and inspirational oration that would send us out into the chilly pastures of the real world (i.e., our parents' garage) full of edification. Or something. On to the list!

1. Ted Rall. Syndicated cartoonist, columnist, and one-time talk show host Ted Rall is a Columbia graduate who would be the perfect speaker. His incisive and hilarious cartoons and writings give the most realistic portrait available of the world we're about to enter. The angst of the new economy is his specialty. Now, Rall attended SEAS and GS, so having him as the Columbia College Class Day speaker may seem a bit odd, but it would be fully appropriate if Rall lectured on his widely circulated article, "College is for Suckers!" The piece, which originally appeared in Dave Eggers pre-McSweeney's project Might magazine (and scared the hell out of me), talks about social trends and Rall's own experience at Columbia, and concludes that college is worthless.

Rall wrote in the essay that the promise of social mobility through a college degree is "a quaint anachronism dating to an unwritten social contract that has long since been revoked. Inexplicably, our politicians and pundits are trying to turn the U.S. into France, where Sorbonne graduates drive taxis and collect unemployment. Trained for an elite without openings, these people can't find it within themselves to do what they want--start their own business, write books, write software, sell stuff on the street--whatever it takes to survive in a world without guarantees." Class Day should be about this type of gritty advice from the streets, not fuzzy sentimentality!

2. David Dobson. Don't pretend you don't recognize this name. He's the creator of Snood, the computer game that started off as a nice distraction and soon monopolized your life, sucking your drive to achieve and domineering your every free waking second for the past three and a half years. Dobson can talk about making it as a computer programmer, and then you can pelt him with all the books you haven't cracked because you've been trying to reduce your number of snoods launched on the near-impossible level five, and then you can berate him for ruining your college career.

3. Dick Morris. Columbia's most notorious recent alumnus could fill the substance part of the speech with a look at how he helped Bill Clinton become the triangulator-in-chief and make soccer moms the focus of modern political discourse. For comic relief, he could discuss the finer points of getting shrimped by hookers at political conventions. And to top it all off, he could give some more of his winning political predictions that have made him such a distinguished pundit in his post-White House career (i.e., "The bottom line: she won't run." On Hilary Clinton's Senate prospects, 1999, in the New York Post).

4. Me, after a few vodka tonics. I'd tell you what I really think of this school! I'd really let the gates open and gush forth with all the cutting insights that aren't genteel enough to make it into this column! And then I'd pass out.

5. George W. Bush. This would be worth it just to watch him bestow his much-discussed cutesy nicknames on prominent Columbians. Imagine Bush taking the podium from our lanky President Rupp and proclaiming, "Thanks, Stretch." Also, now that Al Gore is on faculty, this would create some political balance, and the ex-VP and current President could settle some old scores in the Lerner game room.

Anyway, just my two cents as I try to be positive for once. I am proud to have been of service, and regret that I have but one column to give for my class.

P.S. I'm serious about Ted Rall.