The Fine Art Of Baseball Heckling

With my Wai Lee calendar dutifully flipped to April, it has suddenly occurred to me that baseball season is upon us. In accordance with this significant event, I have made the proper adjustments to my daily life.

I went to my first Mets game of the season this past Sunday, though the Mets forgot to hit the ball into fair territory to enable a teammate to cross home plate. They got smoked and appear to be in for a long season. Well, at least Rey Ordonez is hitting; that helps.

After careful examination of various stadiums, it seems very few people really know how to properly enjoy a baseball game.

So, I present my tips on how to really take in a baseball game so that everyone attending leaves the stadium, park, or cornfield fully satisfied.

Picking the right crew to go to the game with is essential. Four is generally a good number; three and five are odd numbers of tickets to order, and with two you might feel obligated to engage in mindless chatter rather than enjoy the game. Choose loud, obnoxious people with no regard for players, fans, or feelings. They need to be able to heckle regardless of the crowd enthusiasm.

Next, bring reinforcements. Stadium sodas cost about $4, beer costs about $6, and a hotdog is, like, $10. Smuggle in at least a soda and a half per person and some sort of sandwich. Being prepared will cut down on innings missed buying food and enable you to spend money on important items like team Dr. Seuss hats and cotton candy.

As the game plays on, opportunities will arise that one needs to take advantage of in order to fully appreciate baseball's nuances. When the away team or an umpire has a miscue, the crowd will go silent after cheering immediately. It is during this lull that the astute fan will make his move.

If an umpire makes a call that might hurt your team's chances of winning, you must let him know the error of his ways. Lines like "get off your knees, you're blowing the game" will inform him of his mistake and make him feel really bad about screwing up your day at the park. Or, at the least, it will lead to a makeup call later in the game. Clarity and timing are the most important factors in this exchange.

If the opposing pitcher is getting racked for hit after hit, you must not sit back and enjoy the hit parade. A good fan must take advantage of the scene to heckle the pitcher mercilessly.

During a lull in crowd noise, yell out, "fight at the bat rack," insinuating that your team's batters are lining up to grab their bats to hit. A line like "give him an 'L' screen" reminds the pitcher not only that is he getting ripped but also that it's just like batting practice on the field. Pitchers use "L" screens to protect themselves during batting practice, which adds to level of interpretation in the heckling.

Screaming out "pitcher's on the ball bag" takes the batting practice idea even further. Since pitchers usually collect the balls during batting practice, the opposing hurler will undoubtedly feel dumb.

If the pitcher keeps giving up hits, instruct him to "just turn around and throw it in the gap." If he keeps bouncing the balls to the plate, a violent yell of "Cut four!" is always effective.

On the other hand, if your favorite team is having trouble winning, instructive talk from the stands will only annoy the team on the field. Even if you are the father of a Little Leaguer on the field, terms like "just meet it," "play catch with the catcher," and "c'mon, throw strikes" help no one; they just make you seem like you know very little baseball. The batter is trying to meet the ball, and the pitcher is trying to throw strikes. If you need to say something to feel in the game, heckle the other team. See above.

Though space would only allow a few suggestions, following these tips will greatly enhance your baseball experience.