Sports World Seeks Amends for Season of Sin

At sundown tonight, Yom Kippur, the holiest of Jewish holidays, begins. The Day of Atonement, as it is called, is a day for Jews across the world to simultaneously atone for the sins they've committed in the past year. Jews discuss their sins with God, say they are sorry, and the big man upstairs acknowledges the transgressions and forgives.

In the spirit of the High Holy Days, it is time for the world of sports to beg forgiveness for the sins it has committed in the past year.

Sports usually serve to entertain the public in an escapist sort of way. When the sports world sins, the main indiscretion is simply an act of letting down the fans.

On behalf of professional and college sports, I present this year's list of major sports sins and sincerely beg forgiveness on their behalf.

Bobby Knight: For decades, this menace ruled the Hoosier sidelines in Bloomington, Ind., with an iron fist, as well as an iron forehead. Recently, he used the iron fist to choke former player Neal Reed at practice and used his forehead to head-butt his own son during a time out. Knight also verbally assaulted nearly everyone who ever worked for him and attempted to throw a vase at a secretary. After years of bowing to Knight, the Indiana University Board of Trustees finally fired him.

Ridiculously, Bobby Knight now has a job. As head coach at Texas Tech, Knight will continue to ruin the lives of impressionable young players. The General should be locked up in his house, unable to hurt anyone else.

For allowing Knight to coach again, college basketball has severely sinned. It begs for forgiveness.

XFL: With edgy advertising, former NFL stalwarts as coaches, and innovative rules, the Vince McMahon-run XFL seemed like a can't-miss idea. There was no coin toss, as opponents simply scrambled for a ball fumbled by the official at the start of the game. The league boasted a no-fair-catch policy on punts that seemingly ensuring that fans would see some jaw-shaking hits. Besides new rules, the XFL--and this was the best part--encouraged players and cheerleaders to engage in some form of relations. This league was the best.

Then we had to watch it. My friends and I excitedly gathered around my tiny little TV with refreshments in hand to watch the unveiling. After fireworks, play started. And it sucked. The hits were weak, the announcers flailed wildly in a sea of hyperbole, and the pace was boring. All in all, the league was awful.

WWF Enterprises and Vince McMahon apologize for putting fans through such trauma and request forgiveness for their sins.

The Expos and the Devil Rays: It's not just that they are awful, although they are both pathetically poor baseball teams. These two teams have been awful for nearly every year of their existence, though the Expos did look good in 1994. Their fans, and I use the term warily, come out to the stadium in the hundreds. Not that I blame them. You couldn't give the fans enough Vicodin to ease their pain. When you go to watch your team, and you find out they are playing one of these two rookie-league quality teams, tell me you aren't pissed.

By keeping these two teams alive and kicking, baseball has done the sports world a disservice. Not all forms of euthanasia are bad. Baseball should assist these two teams in suicide and rid the sports world of them forever. Consolidating the talent wouldn't be bad, either.

Baseball recognizes its sins and swears it feels bad for making you watch either of these teams try to play ball.

The NBA and Weed: After NBA veteran Charles Oakley wrote an open letter to the press exposing that 60 percent of NBA players regularly smoke marijuana, fans were expecting a big response from the league. Instead, it did nothing. No statement, no "we'll look into it." Nothing. Instead, it allowed Oakley's comments to fill fans' and critics' heads while offering no response. If there ever was a time for Commissioner David Stern to attack the weed problem, that was it. He had a confession from a respected veteran, and he could easily have taken it to the Players' Association and said, "See!" But Stern, like George Muresan on a dribble-drive, just dropped the ball.

The NBA apologizes for its sins and begs forgiveness.

Michael Jordan: Though MJ has yet to officially sin this year, he will once he announces that he is coming back to the NBA. One of the greatest to ever play, Michael Jordan left sports with an unmatched legacy. Don't listen to him when he says he is coming back for the "love of the game." He plays all the time, so he shows enough love for basketball. Instead, Jordan selfishly wants to show the world that he is as good as a Kobe in his prime or as Iverson in a big game. He wants to clear out against Vince and post-up Tracy McGrady.

Once he retired, MJ left the game in the able hands of several charismatic young superstars. Now he wants to take away the league he had left to them.

For being selfish and cheating the sports world, I apologize on behalf of Michael Jordan. I beg you to forgive him. May next year be filled with much fewer indiscretions.