Column: Disheartening Intricacies in World of Sports

As the World Series is upon us, I can’t help but notice that the
Yankees are vying for their 80th ring in 81 years. This always
brings the Yankees fans out of the woodwork, driving me crazy.
How come everyone else decides what team they root for by who
their parents rooted for or where they live except for Yankees fans?
When did it become OK to root for a N.Y. team if you live in
California, Pennsylvania, or Seattle? You don’t see too many native
New Yorkers rooting for the Brewers, do you? Pick a team and
stick with it. Plus, bandwagon jumpers: you can’t really appreciate
the wins without dealing with the losses.

Don’t you hate watching sports on TV shows? It’s ridiculous. Who
decided that basketball was played on a 20-foot court with four
people to a team on sitcoms? Where was rational thinking when
the writers decided that Carlton was going to steal the ball from
his teammate Will on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and shoot
the potential game-winning shot over the backboard? Where is it
in the rules that a player can stand two feet in front of a free throw
shooter during his shot, as was proudly acted out in Teen
Wolf? Erkel dunks in Family Matters? Maybe if I was in a
TV show, I could dunk, too. I guess I can only suspend my
disbelief so much.

How awkward is it when the TV camera focuses on a celebrity in
the stands of a game, and all we see is the guy smiling meekly
into the camera and nodding? Can’t we think of something for
these people to do? Tell a joke? Do a little dance for the
audience? Maybe we should make it like the first day of a seminar
and force these random celebrities for Fox’s new show to say what
their real names are, where they are from, and what contribution
they make to society. Or, they could just state their name and
favorite sexual position. As in: “Hi, I’m Corbin Bernsen, and my
favorite position is Reverse Cowgirl Style.” I can’t wait.

Speaking of annoying camera moments, who decided that
mouthing “Hi Mom” to a deaf camera was solid protocol for a
football player who made a sweet play? How come the dads don’t
mobilize and stop this annoying act? I mean, I love my mom, but
mouthing “Hi Esta” to a TV camera certainly wouldn’t cement
it.

How about those clowns who wear the alternate sports jerseys to
baseball games? I know you’ve seen them. They come to Shea
Stadium styling their new Wayne Chrebet, Allen Houston, or even
Mark Messier jersey. Notice this at your next sporting event. I can
understand wearing a Mets jersey to support your squad or even a
Yankees jersey as a form of Ghandi-esque protest. But what kind
of statement does an orange Brian Urlacher Bears jersey make at
a Mets game? Attending a sporting event does not give you
permission to sport a bad jersey. You don’t see people going to
the dentist dressed like a nurse, do you? (Though they do treat
people in similar offices.)

Do camera operators in stadiums do anything besides check out
hot chicks with buxom bosoms and film them? Just a quick
thought, because this sort of practice could be illegal in some
states.

I would love to meet the dude who decides which play-by-play and
color commentators get to go on the air. There is a good chance I
would kick him in the teeth for the jesters who make the cut. Josh
Lewin and Rex Hudler for two playoff series? I had to turn off the TV
sound in favor of the radio for their games. And with no
exaggeration, I would rather go watch ’N Sync on TRL than listen to
Hudler and Lewin babble on about baseball. A note to Fox execs:
just because someone plays a sport does not qualify them to talk
about it in front of real people. Can you imagine Rickey Henderson
or Shannon Sharpe doing color for your local team? I might jump
through the screen.

Speaking of Henderson, I hate him. I wonder if his family thinks he
is normal. Actually, I wonder if my family thinks I’m normal.
Anyway.

One more thing that really ticks me off is that the third guy in a
hockey fight gets the big penalty. Why do we champion someone
for sticking up for his friends, but penalize the hockey player trying
to stick up for his teammate? If I were a hockey official, I would
reward this faithful friend with a courtesy tote bag or something. If I
was in a fight and all of my friends, armed with sticks, stood
around and watched, I would have a little something to say to them
after I got out of the hospital.

And finally, all officials suck, no matter what the sport.

Heckling is hilarious, and if major leaguers don’t want to be
heckled, their mothers shouldn’t have signed the permission
slip.

Football players celebrating a touchdown when they are getting
blown out is hysterical. Their soon-to-be-victorious opponents
must also think it is funny and should use it as handshake-line
fodder.

Once a week, sports teams should take all the fans sitting in the
first 10 rows and replace them will all the fans sitting in the back
rows. That would be nice. Then athletes would get a taste of the
audience they are reaching. At least I could see the game
then.