A Lion’s Guide To Enjoying The CU Experience

What can I possibly say in this farewell column that will sum up four incredible years of college or make a lasting mark on campus? What can I write that will be intelligent, poignant and witty enough that people will actually stop to read my parting thoughts?

I haven’t been able to think of anything clever, so I am closing my Spectator career by presenting some advice based on the best, worst, and funniest things to occur during my undergraduate days at CU. So without further ado, here are my final observations and words of advice:

Get a good fake ID the first week of school. The Columbia undergraduate social scene is all bars. If you can’t get into the bars, you can’t party. This can lead to loneliness, isolation, and possibly even depression. Almost everyone at school knows at least one sketchy, nerdy computer thug who makes fake IDs in his room and sells them for a ridiculous profit. So ask around, find that guy, and fork up the cash. It will be the best investment you make during your first year.

Find a group of friends who will be there for you. Who cares if one is a skinny New York City kid who wears too much cologne, or another is a tubby golfer obsessed with barbeque sauce, or even if you befriend a spaced out do-gooder from your hometown. These people will be your best friends at school, and afterwards you will live with them, party with them, and occasionally have them escort you to St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital. Thanks Max, Nate, Chad, Steve, Oliver, Mike, Rob, and everyone else.

Get involved in extracurricular activities. Not long into freshmen year, most Columbians find out that they can get by doing a lot less homework than they originally estimated. But if you spend all of this newly acquired free time between the television and bed, you will most likely leave college with a low sense of self-worth and a shabby resume. Participating in athletics, publications, clubs, community service projects, and jobs are a great way to make your college career more worthwhile.

Guys: treat your woman real well, but do it stealthily. Take her out for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, and birthdays. Get her flowers and give her massages, but be covert in your actions. While these things are great for a relationship, if your friends ever witness these happenings, you will never live them down. Most people at Columbia are single, so if you are labeled the mushy one in the group, then you’ll never hear the end of it.

Find a cozy campus job where you get paid to do your homework. There are many opportunities for employment at Columbia where you can make around $9 or $10 an hour for just being there. If you need extra cash, take full advantage of these opportunities. Bureaucracy can actually work for you.

Take interesting electives. Some of the classes I enjoyed the most and remember best had nothing to do with my major. I found that the Religion and English departments had some real gems. And don’t forget to use the pass/fail option when needed.

Be extremely skeptical of the scholarship/fellowship office. They routinely fumble the ball on applications and this could really screw up your future plans. This will likely only affect you your junior or senior year, but double-check all of their work and constantly expect them to make mistakes.

Become friends with your URH building maintenance guys. When I lived in Ruggles, we befriended our maintenance man and he hooked up my suite with new shower curtains, extra toilet paper, and other amenities. Be cool to them and they will in turn be cool to you. It’s just the right thing to do.

Join a free MP3/video service. Sure, it’s immoral to take artists’ work and put it online for anyone to get for free, but it’s no more unjust than paying $15.99 for a mediocre CD. And once you get hooked on computer P., you can’t go back.

Take at least one pre-packaged college spring break vacation by the end of your junior year. In general, the trips are incredibly tacky and clichéd, but still a lot of fun. While it may seem like you are just spending too much money to kill brain cells somewhere warm, you are actually strengthening friendships and partaking in adventures that will become college lore among your friends long after you graduate.

Always root for the underdog. I have witnessed a Super Bowl between the NY Giants and the Baltimore Ravens. I have seen Tom Brady lead the Patriots to victory, watched the Diamondbacks defeat the Yankees in the World Series, and best of all, I observed the Columbia men’s basketball team defeat Penn at the Palestra. And they said it would never happen.

Understand that no one actually has sex in the stacks, gets a good fake ID in Times Square, benches as much as they say, or drinks as much as they claim. Guys always inflate their number, girls always deflate their number, and only the fencing team consistently wins Ivy championships.

Sit on the Steps whenever the weather is nice. It is a good chance to bond with friends and see familiar faces. It also fosters a sense of community on campus, something that Columbia often lacks with the exception of Penn/Princeton basketball weekend, football homecoming, Community Outreach, and the Bacchanal spring concert. And most importantly, you’d be surprised what some people wear. Oh, and this new bikini top fad, I’m all for it.

And lastly, always remember that you are a lion and THE LION IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE!