Phil Wallace: Ivy League Head Coach?

My senior year is slowly drawing to a close, and like most members of the Class of 2004, my job search is in full swing. I'd love to work in the sports world next year, so while scanning job openings, I found one in Hanover, N.H.

Dartmouth men's basketball Head Coach Dave Faucher "resigned" in the middle of this season, and the Big Green are desperate for someone who can resurrect their awful hoops program.

Ever since I saw the movie Hoosiers, I've always thought it would be fun to be a basketball coach. Having extensively covered the highs and lows of Columbia basketball over the last four years and gaining some unique insights on the Ivy League and the college basketball coaching fraternity, I figured, why not give it a shot?

I was going to apply to be the head coach of the Dartmouth men's basketball team.

So last week, I e-mailed my resume, cover letter, and references to Big Green Athletic Director Josie Harper. The three references I listed were from Columbia Athletic Director John Reeves, men's basketball Head Coach Joe Jones, and Atlanta Hawks assistant Armond Hill (hey, he's in the NBA). Of course, I also had to mention that all three were unaware that I was sending their references.

In the cover letter, I decided to emphasize some of my strengths.

"I am a senior, who is set to graduate this May, so I am not far removed from collegiate student life," I wrote. "This will help me to better relate with the student athletes at Dartmouth, more so than any other applicant."

I also explained that, while I had no formal coaching experience, I had covered a team with the second-greatest turnaround in Ivy League history. Last season, Columbia had the third-worst RPI in the country. This year, Dartmouth had the third-worst RPI in the country, so I knew what it took to win.

I figured that Harper would have to like my willingness to fit within Dartmouth's tight athletic budget.

"Additionally, as a recent college graduate, I would not object to taking a lower starting salary than another coach otherwise would," I wrote. "And unlike numerous college basketball coaches, I would be willing to live in Hanover."

I felt great after sending in my information. I knew it was time for Dartmouth to think outside the box.

I had done some research into the position and learned that Penn assistant Dave Duke was perhaps the leading candidate, along with a medley of other Ivy assistants and Division III head coaches. Dartmouth had to consider me. Unlike Duke, I didn't have a mediocre stint as Lehigh's head coach, and my name doesn't sound like I'm a former Klan member.

I eagerly waited to hear back from Harper. Still, several days passed, and I had gotten no response. So I went to see one of my references for advice.

"I can't support your candidacy," Reeves said, momentarily shocking me, "because I'd rather have you with us than against us."

That was a nice compliment, especially considering being "with us" means continuing as a reporter and broadcaster for less than two months, and then a fan. He must love my articles.

Then Reeves decided to get real with me, as he is known to do.

"You're not going to get an interview," Reeves says. "You have no experience. You wouldn't get an interview here, and while I can't speak for Josie Harper, I doubt you'd get one there ... Even though you've listed me as one of your references, I have to say that."

I was crushed but determined to prove Reeves wrong. He was helpful, however, in telling me that Columbia did send out an acknowledgement after receiving each of their 111 applications last year.

I went back to my computer and re-sent my information to Harper, thinking maybe she hadn't received it before. Lo and behold, I got a one-sentence reply:

"I have passed the application on to to Brian Austin, Sr. Associate and Chair of the committee. -Josie"

Not only did I get an e-mail, but the next day, I received a letter in my Lerner mailbox acknowledging receipt of my resume and cover letter (see photo). I couldn't believe they would spend 37 cents on me, but I guess that's Dartmouth's tuition dollars at work. Regardless, I was back in the game.

Figuring that my lack of playing experience might be worrisome to Harper and Austin, I immediately sought the endorsement of our intramural basketball team captain Adam Spunberg.

"As we have seen from the performance of Lawrence Frank and others, playing experience does not in any way translate into winning," Spunberg said, while forcing me to join something called the Amelie Poulain Society. "To the contrary, while playing experience could enhance a coach's abilities, an active member of the media such as Phil Wallace would most undoubtedly be benefited more from his intense observations.

"Not only has Phil Wallace been an enjoyable player to coach," Spunberg said of our intramural team that has posted one non-forfeit win in the past two years, "but his enthusiasm and love for the game inspired even the most unathletic of his teammates. That's perfect for a school like Dartmouth. As for his skills, he has been grossly underrated as a player, often making contributions that do not show up in the box score."

With Sponge's endorsement in the bag, I went to the players I have covered over the past few years.

"You're charismatic," junior guard Allan MacQuarrie told me after our political science seminar.

"You would have a good relationship with the press and would be media savvy," first-team All-Ivy women's guard Sue Altman said.

"I think you're consistent in your effort, and I think you work hard," senior captain Maurice Murphy said.

With all this love, I needed a game plan in case I was called in for an interview. So, I decided to give Joe Jones a phone call, since the Jones family owns a quarter of the Ivy head coaching jobs.

"You're out of your mind," Jones repeated about six times before asking me to call him back later.

Jones would eventually give me his sage wisdom.

"It's not always the best candidate, it's who you know," Jones explained. "It's about relationships a lot of times."

While I have no relationship with Josie Harper or Brian Austin, if anyone reading this column knows them and would vouch for me, give me a call.

Jones also explained that it's important to have a desire to be a teacher, and also a role model, not just for the players, but the other students at the school as well. He talked about how important it was to represent your school, and wanting to be involved in the community.

"Some people just want to coach the team," Jones said. "But I think it's more than that."

And I could easily see why Jones impressed the committee in his interview.

I figured if granted an interview, I could talk about wanting to restore Dartmouth back to its days of greatness with Rudy La Russo, and before then, when Dartmouth somehow played in the 1942 and 1944 NCAA National Championship games. I could also get the Dartmouth student community thinking basketball instead of ice hockey, by hosting an Open Bar/Beer Pong Gala at Molly's Restaurant.

As for the basketball side, Dartmouth needs a lot of help. The Big Green finished 3-25 last year, but one of those wins came over Tufts. First, I'd ditch the Princeton offense because no Ivy student outside of New Jersey wants to run it anymore. Instead, I'd run a motion offense which would also take advantage of Ivy League Rookie of the Year Leon Pattman's obvious skills.

I'd bring in a first-class assistant coaching staff (whom I'd delegate a lot of responsibility to), with WKCR broadcaster Brian Schaitkin on-board. Schaitkin, as you may recall, has had success advising women's basketball Head Coach Jay Butler recently.

Anyone who has seen Dartmouth basketball play in the past few years know they need help. Dartmouth could make a conventional hire and hope it works out. But if the Big Green want to go in a truly unique direction, they should hire me.