The Television Election

Two days ago, Americans made a decision between two-seemingly
similar alternatives. Both went to elite New England boarding
schools. Both went to Yale and were in the secret society Skull and
Bones. Both used connections to earn money and get to where they
are now. So what are the differences between President Bush and
Senator Kerry? With many still lusting to avenge the lose or
justify the winner, the sure-fire way to compare the former
candidates is to go to Radio Shack.

First off, there is the retro TV, the Bushvision 2.0. Everything
is in a simple, black-and-white, good-guys versus bad-guys,
“you are either with us or against us” perspective. If
you are overwhelmed by the hundreds of channels on cable, then the
Bushvision 2.0 is the one for you. The Bushvision 2.0 broadcasts
one channel: the OIL (Opinions Infuriating Liberals). With Fox
News, Clint Eastwood movies, and more Fox News, you are sure to
have a “fair and balanced” knowledge of what is going
on in the world.

Plus, if you are tired of reality TV and want something a little
more traditional, you will love reruns of the hit show Like Father,
Like Son, starring the Bushes themselves. Don’t worry, it
always sticks to the script. Papa Bush attacks Iraq, country
suffers recession, and oil prices spike. Baby Bush attacks Iraq,
country suffers recession, and oil prices spike. The downside,
though, is that there are way too many Halliburton commercials.
However, the Bushvision 2.0 plan is cheap. It comes with a huge
rebate. In sum, the Bushvision 2.0 is a Code Red bargain.

But if you want to look outside the box, there is the newer
Kerrycast satellite dish. A word of warning: you have to have a
little patience in getting to know the Kerrycast. The dish is a
little stiff and a pain to set up. With so many features, it takes
a while to understand them all.

Once it is working, though, the Kerrycast offers the complete
viewing experience. HBO, BBC, PBS, Barbara Streisand’s
Greatest Hits, Heinz TV—with thousands of networks, who can
stick to one channel when it is so tempting to flip around and see
them all?

One problem with the Kerrycast is that the image sometimes gets
fuzzy when it is a) raining, b) snowing, c) windy, or d) right
after the Democratic primaries. But when it is clear, Kerrycast
shows the nuances of gray as well as the myriad of other colors now
available on HDTV.

TERMS: There is no warranty for Bushvision 2.0 or Kerrycast.
Once bought you must keep the product for four years. Radio Shack
is not responsible if product proves to be inconsistent, leads
nation into unilateral war, or shows Theresa Heinz-Kerry up close
and personal.