A Lesson in Taunting the Killer P's

Attention Columbia: our men’s basketball team is at a crossroads. They’ve dropped six in a row after a promising 3-1 Ivy start. Now Penn and Princeton are coming to town; what the Lions do on Friday and Saturday night controls whether this season becomes a flaming disaster or stays salvageable.

What the fans do this weekend is just as important as what happens on the court. Groups like Jews 4 Jones have led the way this season in packing Levien Gymnasium and turning it into something like the hostile atmosphere head coach Joe Jones keeps asking me for on my ROLM phone.

With this weekend’s big matches, we can expect an even larger crowd in Levien, including a sizeable contingent attending their first-ever Ivy basketball game. Your contributions will be important—you can have an actual effect on the scoreboard by getting under the Quakers’ and Tigers’ skin. In that spirit, here is a Beginner’s Guide to Heckling Penn and Princeton.

PRINCETON

Target No. 1 for the Tigers is Judson Wallace, who made this brilliant guarantee to The Times of Trenton after a 61-57 loss to Harvard on Feb. 5: “Our team will win our next 10 games in a row. I know that.” Princeton lost three of its next four. Ask Judson how the winning streak is going the first 10 times he touches the ball.

The trademark Princeton Offense itself is just begging to be made fun of. For the uninitiated, it involves moving the ball around the perimeter, passing, and moving it around some more. The system can work under great coaches and skilled players, but the 2005 Tigers have neither. Point out the futility of their strategy as often as possible. Yell “Selfish!” at anyone who takes a shot.

Princeton tends to blow humongous leads late in the second half. Case in point: Against archrival Penn on Feb. 8, the Tigers were up 53-35 with 7:35 to go. The Quakers went on a 21-3 run to force overtime (Princeton couldn’t even get a shot off as time ran out) and eventually took the game, 70-62. The lesson: even if the Tigers go up big toward the end of Friday night’s game, don’t despair. Just remind Andre Logan of the foul shot he missed with 37 seconds left against Penn, which would have given Princeton a three-point lead and probably the win.

You could hypothesize to the Tigers that all their success up to this year was only because of their coach, John Thompson III. He left for Georgetown last spring; now the Hoyas, expected to finish close to last in the Big East, are 16-8. The Tigers’ new head coach, Joe Scott, brings the personality of Bob Knight and none of the W’s.

If all that isn’t ad hominem enough for you, remember that Princeton is in New Jersey, a filthy trash state full of garbage. Even if the Tigers beat the Lions, that will be small consolation as their bus leaves glittering Manhattan for their home, which, as I mentioned, is full of trash.

Here is a list of Tigers who look funny:

• Matt Sargeant

• Jon Berger

• Max Schafer

• Patrick Ekeruo

And many more. These guys look weird by New Jersey standards. You know what to do: “Nice receding hairline, Sarge”; “Do you chew a lot of burgers with those teeth, Berger?”; “Ekeruo, you have Ernie’s head and Bert’s eyebrows.”

Here is a short list of Tigers with names that are similar to words my editors won’t let me put in the paper but which you can probably figure out:

• Kyle Koncz

Lastly in the looks department, tell Michael Rudoy he has pretty, shiny hair.

You can also compliment the team on its diversity. Oh, wait...

PENN

Penn! What a pack of losers. They might be 8-1 in the Ivy League, but that just means their egos are all the more ripe for popping.

Remind me again what’s so great about Philadelphia? That it was once the nation’s capital? That’s cool and everything, but I mean, so was New York—except we sort of moved on and found a couple of other things to be good at. Philadelphia is just Colonial Williamsburg with a few skyscrapers and also weird BYO restaurants.

As for Penn itself, it’s the school that the country forgets is in the Ivy League, and it’s the school that the Ivy League ignores. This place has a crippling inferiority complex. If you get within 10 feet of head coach Fran Dunphy, congratulate him on doing so well in the Big East, and tell any UPenn fans you see that State College, Pa., is really fun.

I wouldn’t recommend telling 230-pound Tim Begley to have another cheesesteak, because he’s probably heard that one a few dozen times before. But I would recommend taking a PATH train to Philadelphia and back, getting a cheesesteak, and eating it right behind him on the bench Saturday night.

Penn has two Germans on its roster. Shouting things in German is funny.

I would say to suggest to 6-foot-9-inch, 230-pound Ryan Pettinella that he uses steroids, but with a head that tiny, the guy has to be clean. Seriously, look at his head: it’s really small.

Good luck, Columbia fans. Remember: sticks and stones may break their bones, but slander is what really hurts.