Breaking Up Is the Hardest Part

"This is Iraq. I'm out handling some law and order issues right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you ASAP. Shukran Gazillan." Beep.

"Hi Iraq, it's, umm, it's the United States. Listen, I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately, so I'm not sure how to say this. Goddamnit ... I mean, Allah ... gah, this is awkward. I'm just going to say this and then try to explain myself. I'm not sure we can keep seeing each other. There, I said it. I don't know if I have the energy to try and hold this relationship together.

"There was so much promise when we started-after years of flirting, we finally hooked up. I always knew we could make fireworks if you gave me a chance. I might have pushed a little too hard when you weren't ready for a relationship. I swear I thought we would be happy. Maybe I shouldn't have envisioned myself as Freddie Prinze, Jr. in that ugly girl movie, trying to turn the duck into a swan. Not that you are ugly!

"It's just that, well, you haven't been as accepting of me as I might have hoped. In fact, some days with you are downright depressing. Do you love me? Do you hate me? I've given you flowers, bought you clothing. Pedicure, manicure, you've had the whole makeover. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us, but only now am I realizing I can't force you to change entirely. I guess I just 'can't buy me love.' Hah.

"I'm not saying we have to be done. Finito. Kaput. I thought we'd made a date several times this year at Fallujah, but every time I got there, some other young punk was already there looking for a fight.

"My friends keep reminding me about my intense masochistic relationship with Vietnam back in the '60s. Maybe I was too possessive, but you've got to admire my pluck, always going back for more abuse in the hopes that I could woo Vietnam despite her admittedly bipolar tendencies. People tell me that Vietnam should serve as an example-that I'm only going to get hurt more if I don't cut my losses and leave you now before I get drawn back in.

"I've been vacillating on this for awhile. I know I love you-I think you and I could make magic, given time. But I also know that I'm missing out on opportunities by spending so much time chasing after happiness that has been nothing but illusory so far. And I can't even tell if you are happy.

"I see so much potential in you-those hips could one day be democratic, those lips oh-so-liberal. And don't get me started on that lust for gender equality. Yes, it turns me on. But in the end, I can't make this relationship float without your help. So, I guess what I am saying is this: there is a lot of pressure on me to look for a girl who is a little less frustrating and a little less of a tease. Those non-state actor friends of yours, like Al Qaeda, well, let's just say I've rarely seen a tougher crowd. Yes, yes, I know you said they'll be gone soon, but I don't know if I can trust you-you don't seem to be doing much to get rid of them.

"Honesty is the best policy. So, here's my request. Help me make this work. Don't play hard to get. I love you, I really do. No one means as much to me as you do, Iraq. But you've got to change. Otherwise, I'm going to have to move on with my life. I just don't know. It's so hard. Once you are in a relationship and things go wrong, you want to pull out, but it just seems like pulling out will hurt everyone involved. Will it? Or are we just scared of change?

"Call me back. Let's talk."