He Isn't That Bad, After All...

College catalogues always depict roommates laughing and gushing about how they are going to be best friends forever. These smiling, happy people live together, cook together, and go out together on Friday nights.

What the college catalogue doesn't say is that this is not your roommate. Instead of spending time together eating take-out and watching movies, you will be spending time cleaning up his vomit and trying to escape the muffled sounds of sex coming from the bed three feet away.

Think you have the worst roommate ever? Take Spectator's quiz and see how your roommate stacks up against some of most heinous that Columbia has to offer.

1 = My sweet, amazing roommate would never ever even think about doing something like that.

2 = Maybe once or twice, but he was really drunk, so now I just occasionally steal his food in passive-aggressive retribution because really he's a nice person.

3 = This happens so often that I look forward to going to Butler to pull all-nighters because it is better than the sensation of soul-crushing that occurs when I am near my roommate.

Does your roommate:

? Leave dirty dishes in the common sink thinking that no one knows it's him, even though pissed-off suite-mates keep depositing them in front of the bedroom door?

? Have difficulty with the concept that Q-Tips, Kleenex, and wads of hair belong in the trash can and not strewn about the room like New Year's Eve confetti?

? Have a pet mold growing in a coffee cup that he is hoping to use to cure cancer after graduation?

Does your roommate:

? Masturbate/have sex while you are laying there, facing the wall, desperately wishing you were actually unconscious rather then just pretending?

? Use your desk drawer as a repository for used condoms because the trash has overflowed in the week you were gone for spring break?

? Come home drunk and put on porn, passing out before finishing up, and leaving you with a vision of loveliness to wake up to in the morning?

Does your roommate:

? Hit the snooze button every three minutes for two hours and then decide to skip class anyway?

? Insist that he cannot go to bed without practicing the trumpet, no matter what time of night or early morning it happens to be?

? Sleep in the buff with a nasty habit of kicking the covers off?

Does your roommate:

? Leave wads of hair the size of fat rats in the drain and then tell your fair-haired roommates that the giant, black, greasy gobs aren't his?

? Leave the cap off the toothpaste and then shave so the hairs stick in the gooey mass, resembling a slug on Rogaine that has come to slither off with your bobby pins?

? Think the shower is disgusting and use this as the reason he has not taken one this semester?

Does your roommate:

? Introduce you to stray cats by bounding into your room and dumping a rabid new friend onto your sleeping body?

? Keep his webcam on 24/7 and fail to mention it until you notice people on campus imitating your secret midnight rendition of Usher's "Yeah"?

? Enthusiastically celebrate Chinese New Year by setting off fireworks... in the bedroom?

15-29 A

After graduation: Best Friends Forever!

Go home, kiss your roommate, and do the dishes for him on the rare occasion he can't get to it right away.

30-39 B-C

After graduation: Coffee once a year when you happen to be in town.

Pack up your laundry and go home to mom and dad on the weekends so you can wash the clothes that he probably borrowed without asking, but know that you can hang out at the raging kegger that your roommate is hosting if you want.

40-45 F

After graduation: After the housing lottery, with any luck, the two of you will never speak again.

Heave a big sigh, gather your things-after inspecting them for errant bodily fluid-and go settle in for a long night in Butler.

-Anastasia Gornick, resident roommate guru