To the Columbia University Dean of Admissions

Artist: Grace Duffy

As you are no doubt aware, college admissions have become increasingly competitive over recent years. While in the past, strong high school students were all but guaranteed admission to good schools, nowadays, even students with perfect SAT scores may end up on the street, unwanted and degreeless. Students’ chances of gaining admission to top undergraduate schools are further lowered by the onslaught of intelligent, hard-working students from overseas seeking a stateside education. As a result, the outlook for promising students who wish to gain entry to schools like Columbia is very grim.

Many argue that one of the real problems of this increased competition for acceptance is the fact that the decisions that lead to admission are often arbitrary. When criteria such as GPA and SAT scores are all equal, admissions officers such as yourself are forced to determine acceptance based on recommendations, essays, and other information sources that don’t lend themselves so easily to objective comparison, leaving qualified students confused when they aren’t accepted to the appropriate schools.

This needs to stop. We need an objective way to decide between otherwise identical candidates so that we may ensure that only the finest are admitted to our esteemed and noble institution. We need a means of identifying the quick wits, guts, and thirst for glory that typify the ideal American high school student. We need to bring back the epic Nickelodeon game show Legends of the Hidden Temple to use as a final test for candidates for admission.

Don’t laugh. Stanford University did a study that concluded, “Those stalwart champions of Legends of the Hidden Temple, who solved the labyrinth and bested the temple guards, have been shown to have a much higher IQ than the rest of the population and they also go on to achieve much greater levels of success than their peers who did not conquer the Sacred Temple.” (Disclaimer: I am required to state that no such study actually took place. Ever.) I believe that the findings of this masterful, visionary study prove that the best way for us to break those ties in the admissions game is to send high school seniors headlong into Olmec’s perilous temple.

The Stanford study (Recall: there was no study) notwithstanding, this makes intuitive sense. One need only think of Indiana Jones, who pilfered numerous temples in a series of BBC documentaries about his life. What was he doing when he wasn’t raiding sacred grounds for holy relics? He was a university professor. The parallels between this raider of the lost ark and the ideal incoming Columbia student are pretty clear. The skills required to solve the diabolically challenging puzzles in a temple, such as the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, are the same skills that students need to write a last minute paper on Jane Austen for Literature Humanities: quick thinking, intense focus, and the ability to do the manifestly obvious with no sense of shame or humility.

Admittedly, there are some problems with this model. The most obvious problem is that, as we all know, the temple guards are union members. Given Columbia’s problems with unionizing graduate students a few years ago, it’s difficult to believe that Columbia would extend health benefits and satisfactory wages to the immortals who guard Olmec’s sacred temple from pilfering children. After all, why would you provide health insurance to deathless shamans who are unlikely to need check-ups or dental care?

The second problem with utilizing this American game show as a standard for admissions is that it neglects international students. A show about stealing relics from ancient temples is clearly geared toward Americans and this method would significantly disadvantage anyone else. Luckily for us, Nickelodeon has already covered this base with Global Guts. Such a title is obviously suited for an international demographic. Although there was no Stanford study done on Global Guts like there was for Legends of the Hidden Temple (again, I am forced to say that this is not true and I made it up), I feel that a similar constitution is required for finding success on both shows.

Please take this suggestion into serious consideration. All too often, high school students are left in the dust wondering where they went wrong. It’s not their fault—they are currently at the mercy of arbitrary judgment. Bringing back the beloved Nickelodeon game shows of the early ’90s will not only give these students a fair shot at objective consideration, it will also finally give Columbia students and alumni athletics worth watching.

Go Rockies,

Eddie