I didn’t know whom else to address this to, so you have been chosen to receive this request. As you may be aware, this is a very stressful time of year for most students. We have finals, we have term papers, and we have colds. In times like these, we often turn to God for guidance, security, and knowledge. Well, I don’t believe in God (unless I’m in an airplane and start to feel turbulence... Then I pray to every deity I’ve ever heard of, including Dread Lord Chthulhu... I don’t discriminate and hey, you never know), so I’m left out of this prayer party.
I’d like to change that. As an amateur classicist, I feel that the best way to prepare for my exams is to forge a connection between myself and my intellectual forbears. I suppose I could just spend reading week looking over my translations and supplementary reading, but I’m a senior, so that idea can go right to hell. Besides, I plan on using that time to watch Beauty and the Geek marathons and play Beirut. So instead of wasting all that precious time studying in order to finish off the semester with a bang, I’d like to sacrifice a hecatomb of cattle on Low Plaza.
Unfamiliar with the term? Let me explain. In ancient times, our ancestors would sacrifice a hecatomb, or 100 cattle, to the gods in order to secure their favor. This would typically be done in times of war to guarantee success. Well, as I look over some of my grades for this semester, I think it’s safe to say that I am entering a war zone these next couple of weeks. I need all the help I can get and I think that an ostentatious public display of religious zeal is going to secure for me straight As on my finals and term papers.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Thou shall not kill. But that’s a stupid way of looking at the realities of this cruel and harsh world we’ve inherited from the previous generations. My adopted and much sexier religion has petty, jealous gods who require the ritual sacrifice of 100 cows. And who am I, a lowly acolyte in the ways of ancient paganism, to deny them? And furthermore, who are you to tell me that I can’t set up the hecatomb and offer up the burnt thigh-pieces to the heavens? These gods demand satisfaction. They have been neglected for thousands of years and they are thirsty for the blood of the innocent. Let’s give them a nice, cool drink, shall we bud?
And don’t try to pull the “that’s an incredibly offensive suggestion and it would upset all of the sensible people on this campus” card on me, either. If there’s anyone here who would be offended by the indiscriminate slaughter of 100 innocent animals, then they have no business participating in the intellectual environment we’re trying to create here. Furthermore, I’m sure all the artsy types at this school will appreciate the aesthetic majesty of 100 burning cows in front of Low Library. Talk about a postcard! Not to mention that it would be pretty messed up if you denied me my religious rights, especially in the wake of all of the positive steps we’ve been taking against hate on campus. You may think it’s strange and wacky that my gods demand the sacrifice of virgin bulls. Well, that’s just your opinion and you shouldn’t try to force your 21st-century viewpoint on my fellow believers and me. We shouldn’t have to cower in fear every time we want to perform the sacred rites of ritual animal sacrifice. It’s not fair and it’s certainly not American. Yeah, I went there.
So, with your permission, or in the absence of any official disapproval, I’m going to go ahead with this scheme. Don’t worry about supplying the livestock, either—I have a guy upstate who specializes in this kind of thing. We’ll truck the lucky bunch in next week and we will live the Core in glorious, exhilarating style. All who would rather appeal to the gods than actually study are welcome to attend.
BYOB BBQ to follow,
Eddie