I’m a man who appreciates good television and even more so the dregs and trash the tube has to offer.

Like this new show on FOX, Hole in the Wall. It’s a crazy Japanese game show where contestants must contort and gyrate into positions that are questionable for national television in order to get themselves through a hole in a moving wall. It’s great.

And I’ve really taken to the coverage of the presidential elections, but only when they focus on lipstick and pigs and sexy librarian glasses, ’cause this is America, damnit and if we aren’t searching for new reasons not to vote, than who will?

I really am not picky, and this whole Internet fad has opened up new realms of watching, at least for the time being. But sometimes I like to settle onto the couch and flip through the channels, willing to settle on anything as long as there are moving images that aren’t trying to sell me too much stuff.

My standards are really very low, and those I associate with tend to set their sights even lower. We are all prime candidates to be the greatest fans of Columbia University athletics the M-Side has ever seen.

I’m sure you have had at least meager contact with Columbia University cable. It’s provided for free in all the lounges and if you put 30 bucks down a month you can get it in your room. And then you say, “What an age to be alive.”

I agree, but there’s something missing. See, why can’t we get closed captioned broadcasts of our sporting events? Why isn’t there a way for us to be really into our student athletes, passionate and fervent fans, but without leaving the comfort of our excessively large Watt living rooms where we keep our big screens and leather couches and personal servants?

Fortunately most of you don’t have to deal with the unique demands of fine senior housing like some of us, but we all feel the same drought of Columbia Lions broadcasts.

CTV gets on the ball sometimes, don’t get me wrong. And I am certainly not expecting Emmy-winning productions here, but I need my fix, man, I need my CU sports. Who doesn’t?

I have a few ideas. Please listen. Bare minimum—and I support this regardless of whether Columbia games are involved—we need a couple of new channels added to the CUTV lineup. ESPNU, first and most importantly, is an essential addition. It’s only a few years old, which means it’s sure to crash and burn or become the greatest new channel since Oxygen in the near future. The tension is almost palpable, and that makes for good watching.

ESPNU is dedicated to college sports and all the social and economic implications associated with them. So is CBS College Sports Network, and both would be worthwhile additions to the lineup. Whenever Columbia plays a team that—were they not playing Columbia—would otherwise be featured on one of the more elevated sports channels, there’s a good chance the game will be broadcast on some channel, somewhere.

Looking ahead in the football schedule, it appears that the Versus network has earned the coveted rights to broadcast the Columbia-Dartmouth game. Should I really have to tell all my friends on the football team that I would definitely watch the game and root them on, but unfortunately I don’t have Versus? I don’t think so, and so I’ll probably make up some poorly formed excuse to spare their feelings, but I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to.

So maybe there are problems with adding new channels to existing cable that I don’t recognize. That’s why we should start our own channel, Columbia University Sports Network: Columbia Sports, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except Thursday nights and certain Fridays.

Some may wish to point out that we really don’t have enough sports and sports-related activities at this school, let alone the audience, to necessitate a 24-hour CU sports news network. These naysayers may even have a few well-developed points, but they are all wrong.

We shouldn’t wait for the masses to start demanding a 24-hour network. Just broadcasting something so intense will make it seem like it’s necessary, and so our audience will follow. My real worry is about those days when there really isn’t enough CU sports to dedicate 24 hours of coverage to, which may be every day.

Regardless, these are questions that we don’t need to ask. While we are still getting things going, I’m sure the sports desk at this paper will happily fill the unused slots with witty musings about daily life. Right here and now, I promise that, given the opportunity, I will fill up to and including three hours of live broadcast during which I will discuss Columbia sports, the way I spent my day, and generally how I feel about you people.

If all else fails, I recommend a seven-part miniseries that dramatizes the creation, evolution, and decline of our new Columbia University Sports Network.

Michael Shannon is a Columbia College senior majoring in sociology.
Sports@columbiaspectator.com