More Ways to Procrastinate in a Flash

If I had to posit a hypothesis as to why mega-bank Lehman Brothers recently filed for bankruptcy, I would probably guess it had to do with the combined pressure of faulty loans, a tight credit market, and a large percentage of their employees getting nothing done because of free Internet games. Indeed, free Internet Flash games, usually simple and accessible directly from your Web browser, are diversions that anyone with a computer—gamer, non-gamer, girl, boy, Democrat, Republican, hipster, goth, crazy student activist, pedestrian-heckling religious advocate, or even future unemployed i-banker—can enjoy and waste hours upon hours playing. So next time you completely exhaust the profiles of all 800 of your Facebook friends, continue to resist the temptation to actually do some homework. There are always other ways to procrastinate, and below are some of the best.

Helicopter Game—Simply click to ascend your helicopter, let go to descend, and dodge the incoming platforms. That’s it. But while its mechanics are extremely simple, the Helicopter Game is one of the most addicting game things you can play on your computer. It feeds off the same impulse that fuels gambling, in that the need to accumulate an ever-higher score and play “just one more time” will probably damage all your relationships, destroy your GPA, and ruin your life.

N—The simply-titled N places you in the role of a stick-figure ninja whose job is to navigate through levels and collect gold coins within a certain amount of time. A physics-based platform at heart (think Mario or Sonic, except your ninja has inertia and weight and will jump and fall realistically), this game is both enjoyable and absolutely huge, with hundreds and hundreds of different levels to play through. If you want a game that will give you a lot of bang for your buck, but you do not actually want to spend any money, this is your game.

Portal—Based on the hit PC game by the developers of Half-Life, this fan-made title is one of the more complex affairs you’ll find in the Flash-game scene. With a smooth, polished look, the game charges you with navigating hundreds of levels using a special portal gun that can create one entrance and one exit portal. Shoot two portals at opposite ends of the room, for example, and you can enter through one side and come out on the other side of the room. This game can get deviously challenging, and requires that you think outside the box. Only the patient need apply.

Ragdoll Cannon—In this hilarious Flash game, you control a cannon that shoots lifeless stick figure dolls (ones whose arms and legs flop around as they bounce) across the room. Your goal is to get them into a specially placed goal at the other end of the level. Not only is this game entertaining, but you can also use your imagination and picture, say, your annoying girlfriend or your jerk of a professor as the stick figures you so cruelly launch across the computerized room into walls. Thus this game finally offers an alternative method of online catharsis to the crowd favorite of putting your deepest feelings and emotions into a Facebook status.

Winterbells—In Winterbells, you play as a cute, tiny, white bunny, and your job is to jump as high as you can using little white Christmas bells as your platforms, with each bell you hit propelling you higher. Again, the game is incredibly easy to play, as you simply move the bunny by moving your mouse, but it will suck away hours of your life if you are not careful. The game also features a quaint, oddly soothing violin soundtrack, which is unusual for a free internet title.

Flash Flash Revolution—Yet another Flash game modeled after its larger console cousin, FFL can best be summed up as Dance Dance Revolution using arrow keys­—music plays, arrows scroll across the screen to the beat of the music, and you must tap the corresponding arrow keys. “Why the hell would anyone play DDR without a dance pad?” you might ask. Good question, but if you ask that, then you are probably one of the strange, troubled few who does not feel like a complete tool when dancing in front of a video-game screen. This game is for the rest of us, as it is less embarrassing, yet just as addicting, to use your keyboard in the privacy on your own room.