Insults and the English Language

Life is not a promenade. Internally it is never, so why should society be? Along with duels and after-school fist fights, insults have gone out of fashion. Occasionally we gossip about the people we detest. When we see these people, we, at most, smile a bit less sunnily. We do not set them straight.

What is worse, we’re all syrups even with our closest friends. If roughness and honesty are impermissible or unthinkable between two people, then those two people have, no matter how much time they spend together, a very good acquaintanceship or companionship—they are not friends.

But we worship niceness—niceness at the expense of honesty, kindness, compassion, and trust. As a result, the English language suffers, perhaps most of all in the domain of insults.

Let’s revive the old tradition, which Shakespeare knew so well! Some suggestions on how to insult, since we’re all beginners on this voyage:

1. The wittiest will use metaphor to ruin foes. So, the prude with cobwebs in her panties calls the nerd a potted plant with asthma, and the jock who grows grass on his forehead tells the beauty queen her heart is a pimple.

Write up a list of these at home and memorize it. Include one insult for every type—there are six or seven at Columbia.

The pompous humanities major, whose intelligence builds an aluminum shrine to itself, will pretend not to understand your metaphor. Do not be dismayed, for it is easy to chip the mirrors of the vain.

2. We are shy about using nouns and adjectives together when we insult. You’re stupid or an idiot, but “stupid idiot” sounds pre-kindergarten.

This is unfortunate. An adjective and a noun together can offer two condemning characteristics, making the insult unbearably three-dimensional. Even if it’s inaccurate, your object will be deflated. Call him a self-deceiving suck-up, or a vapid fool. The only thing that’s true about assholes anymore is that they get girls. But to call someone an unwiped asshole—that is divine.

3. A gentleman is only deliberately rude. “No offense, but...” is the surest way to turn an insult (intentional) into an offense (boorish and accidental).

Enrich your insults with “sir” and “madam.” “You, sir, are a fraud.” Be wary, though, of sarcasm. It is the argument of the weak when it stands alone, but as the complement to a biting remark, it can be the salt on the teeth of the strong.

4. It is time to put the curse back in cursing, for the modern English cuss, overly reliant on sex and excrement, has lost its fear factor. The Greek middle finger is an open palm in the face, accompanied by “na!” (“there” or, in this context, “I curse you!”). That is to say, Greek cabbies regularly condemn each other to the eternal grill. Let’s abandon four-lettered banality, and tell one another to “take it to the devil” and “burn in hell.”

5. Uncontrolled anger can appear buffoonish, and the power of your insults will be lost unless you change tact. English has a lexical arsenal for outrage, and outrage is anger, but sophisticated and even cosmopolitan. Call your object “outrageous, preposterous, despicable, shameful, and appalling”—call the appropriateness of their existence into question. Erase those impotent “what-the-fucks?”; when the subway doors close prematurely on your wrists, respond, “How dare you!” Fight back! Then send that guilty MTA worker to Lucifer’s jaws!

6. Defense is the best offense, so take offense as easily as you give it.

7. Insult philosophically. Apart from the aesthetic principle, your aim may be cathartic, punitive, or corrective. The loftiest reason to keep in mind, however, is the truth. Remember that once you have passed judgment—especially if it is succinct—your object will live in the prison of your words until the end of time. But do not take insults too seriously. That is the root of the blandeur we’re trying to escape.

Now a word on politics. On Friday night, Senators McCain and Obama behaved not at all like children, for children have the integrity to insult each other directly (which is why readers under 8 probably found my suggestions uninteresting). Instead, the senators played teenagers: passive-aggressive, elliptical, and gossipy. Too cowardly even to address, let alone to insult each other, the decrepit cowboy gossiped about “bad guys” while the law professor discussed the need to “bolster our efforts in Afghanistan so that we can capture—and kill—bin Laden.”

We let our politicians mudsling at abstractions, but still demand that they—like us—refrain from direct antagonism in society. In a perverted social reality whose God is Niceness, the trust we put in all our interactions erodes. Friends and foes alike simply cease to exist.

It is time for Obama to call McCain a fetid, missile-happy prostitute. It is time, my friends, for folks to start insulting each other again.

Don’t like my column? Don’t like me? Tell me to my face, bitches!

Alexi Shaw is a Columbia College senior majoring in Russian literature. Wordpecking runs alternate Thursdays.

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