Three Points For Columbia Athletics

I don’t usually make it out to the monthly gatherings of the “Bad Newz, Mike” fan club, but last Wednesday night I decided to grace the group with my presence. What can I say?—I’m a busy, busy man with legions of adoring fans at my disposal and I really don’t have the time to make all the fan club meetings. So many admirers, so little time.

I met the group at their usual gathering spot under a railroad bridge at 105th and Park a little past midnight. The guys seemed a bit surprised to see me there, but behind their raised eyebrows and “What you doin here?” questions, I could sense the excitement at finally having their raison d’être in the flesh. With Olde English 800 and Philly’s in their hands, I could tell the meeting was ready to start.

“Gentlemen,” I began. “As the reason we’re all here, let me be the first to welcome myself to the November meeting of the ‘Bad Newz, Mike’ Fan Club Local 746... Can’t say I’m thrilled by the meager turnout tonight, but I am too much of a professional to put blame anywhere else than where it belongs, and that’s squarely on each one of your sets of shoulders ...”

I limited my criticism to three and a half minutes, though I made sure my point was made before moving on to the topic of the evening.

“Now we all know why we’re here tonight ... No, not for that. Sir, please take your seat ... Well, stand then, why don’t you? Just stay quiet and, please, pull up your trousers ... As I was saying, we are here to discuss the state of Columbia University Athletics with a lecture I have entitled ‘Drowning a Fish: How to Save Sports at Columbia.’

“We at Columbia have too many talented athletes without supportive fans, too many untalented athletes with too much encouragement, too little money, too few victories, and too little in the way of hackneyed plans with little basis in reality. I have put a great deal of thought into the matter and believe that I have come up with the three-point plan to end all three-point plans. The only plan that could possibly be better is a four-point plan, and frankly I don’t think anyone has the cajones to do it.

“The first point: EXPOSURE. We need to get our faces out there ... Our faces. Sir, if I have to tell you one more time ... To continue: we need a new vision for Lions’ publicity. Billboards, public service announcements, spontaneous football practices on Low Plaza, cheerleaders at birthday parties. Nothing should be off-limits in getting the word out that Columbia University does in fact have a bunch of sports teams.

“Second area of concern: TAKEOVER. Sure, Columbia University may be one of the largest landowners in New York City, but that shouldn’t mean that the Athletic Department should settle. So we got a bit of flak the last time we tried, but no one would see it coming if we turned Morningside Heights into one big elitist sports complex. Moreover, since my first column, I’ve been advocating the setting aside of some land in Manhattanville for a bull riding arena. I’m beginning to think the administration isn’t all for it, but if we believe, I mean really believe, then there is little other than the harsh realities of life to stop us.

“The final point of my plan should be obvious to any true fan of Bad Newz: ATLANTIC CITY. That’s right, Atlantic City, and everything it represents. We need better betting spreads, more trips to the beach, and more opportunities to make my moneys.

“I’m a man of few words and gratuitous acronyms. As you should have noticed, my three-point plan is represented by the common acronym E.T.A.—estimated time of arrival. When will be the time of our arrival? When will Columbia athletics reach its golden age? With the enactment of my three-point plan—Exposure, Takeover, and Atlantic City—arrival will follow in 68 days. No more, no less. Thank you.”