Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

“Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.”

Truer words have never been spoken about Columbia athletics, even though the man quoted above isn’t a real person. For close to 20 years, Homer Simpson has been educating the American people on life, liberty, and the pursuit of beer. “Accidental genius” doesn’t really begin to describe the wisdom imparted by Homer Simpson. After all, how much intelligence can a man with an IQ of 55 intentionally provide? But as it turns out, Homer Simpson proves impressively accurate when it comes to the trials and tribulations of Columbia athletics.

1. “Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.”

There are, sadly enough, far too many Columbia teams to which this can apply. Football is the first that comes to mind—a winless Ivy record will do that. Women’s lacrosse hasn’t really covered itself in glory, either. Same goes for men’s soccer and softball. But hey, if the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team can go 2-28 one year and win the city championship the next, then maybe there’s hope yet for those squads. Of course, that team also had Roger Clemens and Darryl Strawberry as ringers.

2. “It’s like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!”

To give some context to the last time the men’s basketball team won at Penn: Lerner Hall didn’t exist, Lee Bollinger was just starting his term as president of Columbia University, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average was cruising north of 10,000. In other words, it’s been a while. So, while it wasn’t quite a biblical upset when the Lions took down the Quakers last weekend on the road, it still should qualify as some kind of minor miracle.

3. “I’ve got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.”

But we do have winners here, amazingly enough. Fencing may have lost its chance at an Ivy title last weekend, but head coach George Kolombatovich has more than his fair share of championships in both the league and the NCAA (over 30). The same goes for cross country and track and field’s delightful head coach Willy Wood, who keeps his program running at an amazingly high level. The next-best bet to join the multiple championships club? Baseball head coach Brett Boretti, who proved to be the Ivy League’s ablest recruiter while leading his team to an Ivy title last year.

4. “If you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things.”

I’m not saying that marketing at this school seems a bit off. But when merchandise is essentially restricted to a folding table outside of Levien, and when high-profile events like Midnight Mania get replaced by confusing “rewards programs” that attempt to put a premium on things like wrestling or men’s swimming ... well, maybe the Athletic Department needs a bigger approach to building its brand. Although those free burrito cards from Chipotle were pretty clutch.

5. Lisa: “Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for ‘crisis’ as they do for ‘opportunity?’”
Homer: “Yes. Crisitunity!”

Perhaps this is the most apt way to describe making the best out of a bad situation—which encapsulates a lot of what Columbia athletics has to do. We’ve got athletics facilities that are 100 blocks uptown, on-campus facilities crying out for repairs, but we compete with schools that boast endowments that outstrip the gross domestic product of most Third World countries. Not to mention a fund-raising campaign that unfortunately coincided with the worst recession in American history. It could be worse, though. We could be Dartmouth.
6. “Marge, this ticket doesn’t just get me a seat. It gives me the right—no, the duty—to make a complete ass of myself.”
Everyone who went to Homecoming can relate to that. But you know what? What’s wrong with a little heckling? All the best athletics schools boast fan sections that strike terror into the hearts of opponents. Duke obviously has it, even if UNC didn’t seem bothered by it the other night. Places like Syracuse, Texas, and Indiana make a habit out of turning their home courts into living hells for visiting teams. It’d be a fantastic development if Columbia could make itself an imposing environment for other Ivy teams. Even if that does mean getting a little rowdy sometimes.

7. Marge: “Homer, it’s easy to criticize.”
Homer: “Fun, too.”

This might as well be this Sports section’s mantra. But behind all the criticism and cheap one-liners, we want to see a better product on the field just as much as the people at the Athletic Department or the fans in the stands.

So take this all to heart, Dianne Murphy and company. After all, as Homer Simpson has effortlessly proved over the last two decades, you can’t take everything too seriously.

Jonathan Tayler is a Columbia College senior majoring in history.
Sports@columbia.edu