A Tribute to The Hirsute

As I sit here typing this, I am sporting a soul patch. Normally, this isn’t a formation that my facial hair takes, but my suitemates and I threw a ’90s party last Friday. Before the party I was hirsute, but I knew that I had the responsibility to try to form my whiskers into something definitively ’90s. I decided on the soul patch, which everyone agreed was a good choice. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you look at it—I’m out of razors, so until I pick some up, the soul patch will stick.

The running joke in my family is that I was born with a moustache. At my high school, facial hair was not allowed, except for a neat moustache. Thus, for the better part of high school, I sported a moustache, that is, until senior year rolled around and I realized that I had spent the better part of the past three years looking cheesy as all hell.

After four years in high school where I was forced to keep my face relatively neat, I’ve developed a kind of aversion to shaving. I try to keep my beard trimmed, but sometimes trimming just takes too much effort and I shave it all off. Aside from important functions and job interviews, my friends would tell you that the primary time that I shave is when I’m going to see my girlfriend. She goes to school in the Midwest, so I don’t see her often, but every time I do, I make sure to shave because I’d rather not deal with the results if I didn’t.

I may not speak for every guy, but in my experience, females don’t seem to be attracted to facial hair. In the past and in some other societies, facial hair is a symbol of virility and manliness, which I would expect to be attractive qualities. Somehow, here at Columbia in 2009, facial hair is something that is not predominantly seen as attractive.

My prior statements are either anecdotal or general in nature and you’re probably wondering what my point is 350 words into this sports column. Well, over the years of watching Columbia sports—and sports in general, I guess—I’ve noticed that most athletes tend to be clean shaven. Beards still crop up from time to time, but moustaches have become almost totally obsolete, especially on campus.

Though I’m not a fan of the Yankees or steroids, I found myself quite pleased this summer when Jason Giambi created a buzz for growing a ‘stache. It was definitely more formidable than the last moustache-slash-Fu Manchu that had become a pop icon—that of then Gonzaga star and current Lakers bench warmer Adam Morrison. Though neither of their upper lips come close to the great staches of all time—Rollie Fingers, Keith Hernandez, Hulk Hogan, Joe Namath, and Larry Birdn to name a few—at least they tried.

It may be true that there is something inherently intimidating about facial hair, but that fits perfectly into sports. There’s nothing better than going into a game and having a unique advantage before it starts. That’s why some players wear eye black in strange formations, teams devise pregame chants and cheers, and the home crowd can make a huge difference.

Facial hair was a big part of everything in the ’70s, ’80s, and into the ’90s, especially sports, but since then the trend has died down. Here at Columbia, it’s not too common to go to a game and see facial hair, but there are some athletes that buck the trend. A few football players, basketball players, and soccer players come to mind (I’m sure there are others), and I do not hesitate in saluting them.

Though these proud few are on the right path, I still await the day that a Columbia team bands together in facial hair growing unity. The San Francisco 49ers did it this past season as they all grew moustaches for their season finale against the Redskins—and won. The 49ers were not playing for the playoffs in that game, they were playing for fun and for pride (some can argue they were playing for money, but let’s be idealistic). Fun and pride are at the heart of sports, and if facial hair doesn’t fit into the equation, it just doesn’t add up.

Matt Velazquez is a Columbia College junior majoring in history.
Sports@columbiaspectator.com">Sports@columbiaspectator.com