Celebrity chefs’ restaurants on the UES are as stuffy as expected

Trick-or-treating for great meals is tough on the Upper East Side, where high prices and pretentious food are the norm. Beware of restaurants like JoJo and Fishtail that masquerade as fine dining establishments but fail to disguise even the most elementary of mistakes.

One of the most frightening moments for any chef, the loss of a Michelin star, marks a severe drop of quality in both food and service. Celebrity chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten’s UES restaurant, JoJo, didn’t so much misplace its star as throw it away when the 2010 Michelin ratings were released. If Vongerichten divides his attention equally amongst his 19 eateries, JoJo’s downfall should not have come as a surprise.

After all, when stale sourdough baguettes come out of the kitchen with nary a butter knife on the table, trouble obviously lies ahead. Butternut squash soup with oyster mushrooms might possess a nearly incandescent jack-o-lantern orange hue and taste delightfully creamy and sweet, but the garnish of oyster mushroom is puzzling, as the fungus’s delicately meaty flavor disappears in a garish sea of squash puree.

Another appetizer, beet green ravioli with a marjoram brown butter sauce, begins a common pattern at JoJo—the indiscriminate use of vinegar. The harmonious chorus of earthy yellow, red, and purple beet quarters in this dish could do without the vinegar’s cacophonic acidity.

Similarly, in an entrée of duck breast and leg, succulently juicy meat suffers when paired alongside a mound of julienned shallots impregnated with so much vinegar flavor it almost tastes like sauerkraut.

Ironically, the fig tart with Concord grape sorbet and pistachio cream would actually benefit from a bit of reduced balsamic. Vongerichten should personally slap whoever decided to add the syrupy grape sorbet to the plate­—the sugary ice tastes like a Juicy Juice popsicle and makes the already gooey pastry almost intolerably sweet.

Meanwhile, David Burke continues to flounder at Fishtail, his latest sustainable seafood restaurant at 62nd Street between Lexington and Park avenues. Former New York Times food critic Frank Bruni reviewed Fishtail this past May, concluding that the fare feels overly self-indulgent and vain.

Indeed, a menu featuring cutely titled dishes like “Dry Roasted Angry Mussels” seems ridiculous when the mussels aren’t mad because of the accompanying (and not nearly hot enough) chili oil, but rather because of the grit still left in the shell. Or the pieces of bread clinging stubbornly to the bivalve’s flesh. Or the insanely messy task of prying open the stiff shells.

Burke shines, however, when he abandons the accoutrements and sticks to the plain presentations described on the menu as “whole fish and simple fish.” For instance, a moist slice of branzino draped with briny Provençale sauce always wins out over needlessly complex dishes like a tasteless (and puny) portion of sea urchin or a crab cake disguised as a pretzel.

Clearly, simple isn’t a costume the UES usually pulls off well. Yet, at Joy Burger Bar, good food served right triumphs in the face of pretension. Technically (but who’s counting?) located just outside the northern border of the UES at 100th Street and Lexington Avenue, this dare I say “fast food” joint proffers exceedingly cheap and juicy patties, with a long list of free toppings like sauteed onions and jalapeños. Try the exquisitely crisp fries, both crunchily bronzed and impeccably salted.

Eating on the UES is much like visiting a stodgy neighbor’s house on Halloween only to receive a mealy apple. Luckily, great food lurks on the neighborhood’s fringes, toeing the line between diner and haute cuisine.

Tags: Arts & Entertainment, Jason Bell, neighborhood watch, upper east side