Perspectives from a bottom dweller

There are a whole lot of people residing on our little island oasis. We all know this, and we are well aware of the living conditions this situation presents. More than a century ago, some smart Manhattanites decided that the way to go was up, and we started to see some of the first high-rise buildings. Those of us living in on-campus housing are very familiar with this concept, especially since the solving of one problem—overcrowding—has led to another: “elevator etiquette.”

During my tenure at Columbia, I have lived in three dorms, on the fourth, third, and third floors respectively. Because of this, I have always been a frequent patron of the stairwell. On occasion, however, for myriad reasons, I feel the urge to take the elevator. Maybe my bag is really heavy from books and a laptop. Maybe my recent excursion to the gym has left me physically exhausted. Maybe someone threw up in the stairwell. Or maybe I’m feeling just plain lazy. Whatever the reason, I feel I have as much of a right to take the elevator to my third floor bungalow as anyone who lives on the thirteenth floor. Not only do I pay to go to this school and to live in my dorm, but I also feel that my First Amendment right to peaceable assembly most certainly applies to the elevator, and no freedom-hating co-ed is going to take that right away from me.

Additionally, think about the principle. A low-floor dweller taking the stairs so as not to inconvenience the residents of high floors is like the rich being taxed to help spread the wealth around. And I know you agree with Joe the Plumber and me in our opinion that campus socialism is not the way to go. This is America.

But constitutional rights and political ideologies aside, let’s address the complaints I have heard over the years. People who live in dorms with slow elevators constantly gripe about people riding them to and from low floors. Granted there were times when it seemed like I would wait hours for the Carman or John Jay elevators, but is someone taking the elevator to the fourth floor really going to substantially delay someone headed to the tenth? I think not. This elevator delay is just a consequence of living in the city. Think about what life would be like if we had to live in Hamilton or Kent, instead of going to class there. Those elevators make Carman’s look like Usain Bolt in comparison. Our situation could be much worse, people.

A few weeks ago I was heading downstairs from my room in Schapiro and for some reason decided to take the elevator down, which I almost never do. For those readers who are not familiar with the elevators in Schapiro, there are three of them and they are all pretty speedy compared to elevators in most other dorms. When my elevator arrived there was a girl inside whom I knew from one of my classes. She was visibly perturbed that I had chosen to take the elevator down two flights, delaying her by somewhere in the vicinity of nine seconds. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said snidely, “You took the elevator from the third floor?” It was the first time I had personally been the recipient of an attack from the elevator etiquette brigade. At the time, I was high on caffeine and low on patience, so I wasn’t really in the mood for someone else’s mood. I said, “Look I’m really tired and just couldn’t give a crap about taking the elevator down.” However, I was thinking something a little more extreme. She didn’t say anything else after that. But was it really that big a deal in the first place?

I think Columbia students get too carried away over their elevators. I’ve heard rumors about stare-downs in Carman over fifth-floor exits. The fifth floor? Really? Just think if we started to behave in a similar way over other similar inconveniences. What if we yelled at homeless people standing in the middle of the street asking for money because we had to go around them? What if we cursed out every person who held a subway door open so a straggler could enter? I feel as though there are many more important things—both positive and negative—to focus on besides elevator usage. Our lives are difficult enough as it is.

Though, the second floor is where I draw the line. If I ever see you taking the elevator to or from the second floor, I swear I’ll cut you!

Just kidding.

The author is a Columbia College junior majoring in history and concentrating in political science.