Watch out Cornell, Columbia owns the Mega Bowl

All right, Cornell football—it’s on.

Last Sunday I had the privilege of attending the post-season Columbia football banquet—an event that I believe nobody from Spec Sports since the late, great Carolyn Braff has attended.

OK, so maybe the only reason I got in was because nobody double-checked the guest list.

I got dressed up and marched up the steps to Low Library on Sunday afternoon, wondering what kind of ceremony could properly commemorate the sacrifices that this year’s seniors have made for the sake of revitalizing the program. I came with no expectations except that the food would probably be subpar, given my experiences with University-issue foodstuffs.

The room was full of people who were (mostly) taller and larger than me, with the exception of most of the girlfriends and Jared Morine. (Sorry, Baby J, I had to.)

Poor Jared. Coach Wilson was in fine form, indeed, taking hilarious shots at anybody and everybody. Jared got commended for his performance this season, coupled with a few zingers about how Jared’s girlfriend had finally hit high school, and how they’d be attending the prom together in the spring.

(As far as I know, this is a lie. However, it is common knowledge that Columbia football players are known for being ladykillers. Or something.)

Coach didn’t stop there. My personal favorite coach-ism from the evening was when he gave recognition to the Fred and Wilma Flintstone head coach of junior varsity football, Greg Sigler. Or possibly when the keynote speaker, a bigwig from Merrill Lynch, came and gave all the offensive skill players nail glue. Not to use, of course! That’s not kosher with the NCAA. But to sleep with under their pillows at night, to become one with the glue.

Within all the comedy of the evening, there was something else that ought to have been comical: a silver mixing bowl with a football in it, sitting next to the Liberty Cup that the football team won back from Fordham this year. However, this was not just any mixing bowl. It was the Mega Bowl.

Haven’t you heard of the Mega Bowl?

Contrary to popular opinion, Lou Miller’s legacy at Columbia is not going to be for being the all-time sack leader. Records get broken all the time. Lou’s legacy is going to be for taking initiative and single-handedly starting up the New York State Ivy Football Championship between Cornell and Columbia, called the Mega Bowl.

Yeah, you read that right.

The week before the Cornell game, murmurs started to echo through the locker room. “Mega Bowl.” Lou decided that it would be that fateful week when the team would need a little extra motivation to snap its losing streak. Soon, coach Wilson got on board. The team started referring to the game as the Mega Bowl.

On the sidelines after the win that week, I remember hearing the entire team chanting “Mega Bowl” on their way to the locker room. I didn’t get it. Some mystic new good luck ritual? A prayer to the gods that make our defense so deft at getting interceptions?

I get it now. This is a throwdown. Cornell, they’re looking at you. There has been talk for years that Columbia needs a real rival. There’s been talk in recent years of starting up a traveling trophy between Ithaca and the Big Apple. Somebody just needed to take the initiative to do it. Well, that time has come.

Cornell, we bought the trophy, we brought the trophy, and then we proceeded to win it from you, 30-20. And the best part? You didn’t even know that it was happening.

Big Red, I think occasions like this are the reason they invented the following phrase: You. Got. Pwned.

According to Wilson’s speech at the awards ceremony, the trophy cost six dollars and change, and you, too, can head to your nearest Piggly Wiggly to get your very own Mega Bowl. No, not a replica. Like, the real deal. (It’ll be in the baking supply aisle.)

Is this going to be the next little brown jug? Will media talent have to fill time in their live broadcasts in coming years talking about how the entire idea and name for the trophy may or may not be ripped straight from the script of “Semi-Pro”?

Thanks to Lou, we now have a definitive way to answer the age-old query of who owns New York. Judging by the trophy count this season, I think we all know the answer to that one.

Lisa Lewis is a Barnard College senior majoring in economics.

Tags: Sports, Lisa Lewis, Column