It took me a while, but I’ve finally figured out who the coolest people at Columbia are: future investment bankers.
Before college, it was simple. Years of American media, public school gym class, and unsuccessfully convincing girls to like me had taught me that athletes were the coolest. Hardly anyone ever tried to subvert this fact and, if you did, you probably sucked at dodgeball, so whatever. There was a universal standard of coolness that was easy and familiar for people just to accept.
The fundamental social problem at Columbia is that every single clique is under the delusion that theirs is the coolest. This belief has helped make future I-bankers, who deserve to be on top, a widely disparaged population. The belief is also utterly nonsensical. How can a vegetarian who lives in the Potluck House and a frat guy who eats at HamDel every day both be cool? I mean, is eating meat cool or not? Seriously, I need to figure out what I should do with my HamDel gold card.
I know what you’re thinking. The answer is no. I’m not a future I-banker. (But yes, I am single.) And not many of my friends are trying to become I-bankers either. In fact, not many of my friends exist. This is why “Tony Gong Explains the Universe” is such an objective column.
In any case, I-bankers are the coolest because their characteristics remind me nostalgically of those universal standards from our earlier days. For example:
- I-bankers wear the best clothes. Based on what I’ve been noticing lately from the many people on their way to CCE for junior internship interviews, I-bankers wear polished shoes, suit jackets, collared shirts, ties, and unfriendly looks. As someone who got a C in middle school Home Ec (my skateboard pillow turned out to be surprisingly uncomfortable), I have a lot of respect for anyone whose process of getting dressed consists of more than three steps.
- I-bankers are socially savvy. A lot of people criticize I-bankers for being douche bags. First of all, I don’t even understand what the term “douche bag” means. I just looked it up on Wikipedia and I’m even more confused. I think it has something to do with a vagina. Either way, I-bankers need to pass lots of tough interviews to get their titles. They’re confident and proud but basically still really sociable. And maybe you’re the real douche bag for calling someone else a douche bag. Think about it.
- I-bankers slack off (in cool ways). From the cover article of volume 2 issue 1 of The Eye, a prospective I-banker explains how he allegedly “took Monday and Tuesday off from class to go to Puerto Rico” with a bunch of friends during the third week of his senior year. Come on, that’s really badass no matter how you frame it. During my third week of school this year I was eating dinner at Hewitt Hall alone.
- I-bankers still work harder than most people. The same article details how grueling the I-banking work style can be for a dude who would “try to make it home by 2:30 a.m., but more often than not … around 4 a.m.” followed by setting an alarm for 7:40 a.m.
- Finally, I-bankers have courage. Especially at Columbia, where an average student’s views on I-banking (among a serious list of topics like religion, development economics, and a typo someone made on Bwog) tend to be extremely polarized and hostile, a future I-banker’s decision to sell out so shamelessly takes serious guts.
Despite all these extremely incisive arguments, the truth is that the Columbian instinct of nonconformity will never really let us accept a clique that’s not our own as an ultimate paradigm of coolness. (Even though it works as a great excuse for when I have to explain to my mom why I don’t have a girlfriend.)
I sincerely believe, however, that it’s just as unfortunate when Columbia students are so judgmental and cynical that their own clique turns into the only one that matters, the only one that’s legitimate, and the only one that can be cool. As a naturally opinionated student body, we won’t agree on everything, but if you’re truly open-minded, every individual and every community you’ve interacted with here can be justified to some degree of coolness.
As far as I-bankers go, I do think it can be cool to buy your friends stuff. To work really hard at your job. To achieve entrance into something that’s pretty selective. To want to be financially independent. To want to be really, really financially independent.
Lots of Columbia students are future I-bankers for these reasons. I’ve found that some tend to feel embarrassed, or broach the subject hesitantly in discussion out of fear of being judged. There shouldn’t be any reason for this.
After all, they are the coolest people here.
Tony Gong is a junior in the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences majoring in applied math with a minor in philosophy. Bears frighten him. Tony Gong Explains the Universe runs alternate Thursdays.
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