For students, breaking up—and making up—is hard to do

When I was a naive high school freshman, I saw an episode of “Sex and the City” in which the main character’s boyfriend breaks up with her through a Post-it. At the time, I thought nothing could be worse. That is, until I watched a friend’s heart get utterly crushed when the Facebook relationship status of a boy she was dating suddenly featured a name that was definitely not hers.

Rejection is hard, no matter how you look at it. When you are told “no,” it hurts, brings up insecurities, and becomes a layer of grime over everything else in your life. If you are saying “no”—unless you lack a heart—you feel loads of guilt and pity, not to mention discomfort. There is no perfect way with which to approach the breakup, and it is also definitely an area that technology has not made simpler.

I will admit it, I have ended a relationship over email. I tried to be kind, but I knew how cold the message became based on the mode of its delivery. Email is the coward’s way out, but do not even speak of Facebook, AIM, or texting to me—those are the equivalent of throwing a load of manure in your ex-partner’s face, which is generally undeserved (unless, of course, he or she threw the first handful). I’m no expert, but as a human I think there are a few basic rules, besides avoiding a breakup tweet, that should be followed when you decide to end it.

First, be honest, but not too honest. If you have been having sex on the sly while pretending to search for books in the Butler stacks, it might not be the best idea to tell that to your current partner. Focus more on the problems you have with the person to whom you are speaking.
Understand that your partner will be emotional, and don’t deny or disagree with his or her feelings—they are valid, whether you want them to be or not. If it’s hate they feel, accept it and see the next rule.

Keep sharp and heavy objects out of reach—your ex-lover may have been an angel for the last month, but have you Googled him thoroughly enough to know he doesn’t have a criminal record? Maybe that tattoo of a teardrop isn’t just from a “wild night with the guys.”

And most importantly, do not, under any circumstances, be convinced to engage in a naked finale. Breakup sex is often hyped—and yes, it can be great—but once it’s over, your ex is left hoping and you’re left feeling like you might throw up all over the bed in your suddenly claustrophobic single.
All these guidelines may seem obvious, and they generally are, mostly because the hardest part is not the breakup. It’s the decision to actually go through with it. Recently, I’ve watched a number of friends battle with themselves over whether to dump or stay. As someone who has revived many undeserving relationships, my first instinct is to tell them to leave immediately. Cut it off and run before you end up tying yourself through your own desperate dedication to a romantic counterpart of the Titanic.

However, from what I’ve heard, hesitation should not necessarily signify the end. Everyone has flaws, and often should be given a chance. Maybe the true test of a relationship is whether it can last through all the doubt.

My solution to this problem is the oft-used, more optimistic version of the breakup: “taking a break.” It may seem like nonsense to many students, but see it as an opportunity, not just for figuring out ways to get back into your lover’s cozy embrace, but also for understanding what you truly need. My only rule for this method is that there should be no contact between partners until both have crossed the initial loneliness hump, and can examine the relationship with a clear head. My thinking is that if it’s meant to be, you’ll soon be kissing in Morningside Park and rubbing hands in Hungarian once again.

Valeriya Safronova is a Columbia College sophomore. The Secret Life of Coeds runs alternate Fridays.