From last place to first: Gupta wins pixbox

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ladies, gentleman, please, everyone take a seat. OK, fine, keep clapping for a few more minutes, but really, that’s quite enough.

Wow. Winning Pixbox is unquestionably the greatest accomplishment of my life. No, seriously. Better than getting into Columbia, better than getting my first paycheck, better than anything I can think of. And you want to know what makes this even better? I gave up on this season of Pixbox after the first week. You see, that first Thursday of the semester was my 21st birthday, and as it turned out, it didn’t go so hot for me in Pixbox. I went 1-7 that week, putting me firmly in last place. But, alas, I remind myself of a Horatio Alger story. (There’s one for you history majors. See, us SEAS kids do know some non-math stuff.)

I slowly climbed my way back into contention, and the next thing I knew, I was in third place on the final weekend. Still, I was four games out of first. Thanks to the best EIC Spec has seen in a while (and the best guest picker I’ve ever seen), Ben Cotton and I went 12-4 over the final weekend. A tiebreak was needed to decide the contest between Bart and me, and as Kobe Bryant’s 20-footer rimmed out against the Magic on Sunday, I think I may have been happier than big ol’ Stan Van Gundy. Actually, I know I was.

Now, it would take too long to thank everyone that helped guide me to this achievement, this triumph of the human spirit. Thanks to Sigourney for being my guest picker last semester and to Michele Cleary for helping us make the picks last weekend. But mostly, thanks to me for being so awesome. Now, as is the tradition in Pixbox, my guest has a chance to say whatever is on his mind.

“It’s nice that Kunal has good things to say about my job performance, because for a solid half hour on Sunday afternoon, I was not doing anything at all. I was obsessively tracking the Magic-Lakers game on ESPN.com and hoping nobody noticed. Thomas Rhiel, our lovely managing editor—he noticed. And with a well-placed passive-aggressive remark or three, he pointed out that this wasn’t even my fight. Nevertheless, after we pulled out a victory, I looked for someone to help me celebrate. I found only Sam Levin, our crackerjack city news editor. ‘That’s nice,’ he said. Then he went back to work, and so did I. Perhaps one day I too will have a sports column of my own, but for now, back to the real winner.”

So, as the champ, I now get to bash, mock, insult, and generally offend and provoke anger from each and every one of the other sports columnists whom I defeated in my blaze of glory. For those of you that know me, I’m generally a pretty nice guy. But make no mistake about it, I mean to offend every one of the less important sports columnists with this column.

Really, though, this is my dream. I get to write a published column about how awesome I am and get to insult everyone else I demolished along the way.
So, without further ado, let’s start from the bottom up, because really, I can do whatever the hell I want today.

Jacob Shapiro: You stink at Pixbox. I mean, you really, really stink at Pixbox. I thought I was bad, but you are on a whole different level. Finishing last twice in a row? You’re lucky you’re graduating in May and don’t have to endure the misery for another semester. Also, just because you send out the schedule for columns doesn’t make you exempt from the fact that, in general, columns are supposed to have at least some relevance to Columbia.

Matt Velazquez: Ah, Matt. I’ve known you the longest that I’ve known anyone at Spec, making this one of the harder ones to write. But you ripped my good friend Bart Lopez unfairly in your victory column last fall, so here it goes. What’s with that rapidly balding head of yours? Is it just me, or did you forget your hair at home back in Connecticut? Speaking of which, you are not the first non-white Pixbox champ. You come from Connecticut, for God’s sake! Let the record show that I am the first non-white Pixbox champ. Also, unlike you, I will actually be here once again next semester to defend my title.

Holly MacDonald: I’ve thought about this one a long time, but really, I’ve got nothing bad to say about you, Holly. Along with Shapiro, you really stink at Pixbox, but I’m willing to overlook that because you spent a semester in Scotland (EDGE shout-out!). But I am rather curious about your strange and seemingly potentially dangerous obsession with that college team from Norman, Okla. Here’s to hoping that Bradford goes No. 1 overall, and hoping that you make it in sports journalism after graduation. Go Sooners.

Lisa Lewis: Oh, how I’ve waited to write this, Lisa. You think you can just take little snips at Spec in your columns without me noticing? So Spec doesn’t cover archery. You want to cover it? Knock yourself out. Last time I checked, you haven’t covered a sport since the ball dropped in ’09. Oh, and about my Dartmouth column? I didn’t have to go to the game to know that when a guy comes into the game with 383 rushing yards on the season and runs for 242 in one game, the rushing defense stunk it up that game, just FYI. Boom roasted.

Jelani Johnson: I’ve spent this whole column generally rambling, talking about things no one other than me cares about, and gloating about how awesome I am. Now, I know what it’s like to be you every day. Really though, this is the top, the pinnacle for that. Too bad you’ll never get to taste it. And honestly, no one cares about your NBA picks. At all.

Tommy Di Benedetto: All through the semester, Tom, I didn’t think I had anything to write about you. But you should have learned by now that deadlines are meant to be followed, not ignored. Other than that, keep up the great job at WKCR.

Bart Lopez: You put up a good fight, Bart, you really did. And I would like to thank you for making the task of picking the final weekend a whole lot easier. But what’s most important is that you keep getting those topless photos printed in The Eye. Really, though, keep that up. The joke fodder is endless, although most of them are too profane and vulgar to be printed here.

There are also two other columnists who didn’t make the cut in Pixbox and who weren’t in the final standings for different reasons.

Lucas Shaw: Think you can just rip Spec Sports like you did in your column without repercussion? Karma’s a bitch, Lucas. Oh, and also, stay the hell away from the basketball supplement in November. We want to get out before 7 a.m. this time.

Jacob Levenfeld: You’re a tremendously nice guy, Jacob, but you did post this on my Facebook wall on February 8: “How’s it going? Just thought I’d tell you you’re terrible at Pixbox.” Well, guess what, Levenfeld—joke’s on you now. I ran into a strange problem when thinking about what to say: I had too many options. Should I make fun of your strange love of hockey, your female-esque alcohol tolerance, or your uncountable effeminate Facebook photos? Hmm, maybe I’m sensing a trend here, but I’ll leave you to figure that one out.

So let’s all raise our glasses to everyone who’s graduating this spring, but, more importantly, to me writing this thing again in the fall.

Cheers.