Disproving the myth of CCSC lameness

As an awkward outcast, I’ve always assumed that student government kids were the lamest people ever. Who, above all, buy into pre-established hierarchies? Student government kids. Who were depicted as ass-kissing and vindictive in the movie “Election”? Student government kids. Who totally ignored me throughout high school? My guidance counselor and student government kids.

But Columbia has taught me that expectations aren’t always true. Once upon a time I expected Ferris Booth pasta containers not to burn my hands. I also expected girls to finally make out with me after I got a Spec column.

If these expectations were flawed, then my expectation about CCSC lameness needed reconsideration too. So I decided to resolve the myth of student government lameness by getting to know our three CCSC presidential candidates. Would they be lame or cool?

I met with Isaac Lara and some members of his party, ReNew CU, first. They proposed dinner at Ollie’s, which wasn’t the coolest choice, but I went with it anyway. I started to think they might be cool when Melissa Im and Anum Akram, two VP candidates, brought Isaac Nutter Butter cookies and chocolate milk because it was his birthday. But then I saw the disappointing full picture—Isaac was eating his 21st birthday dinner at Ollie’s on a Saturday night with some moron Spec columnist. My attempt to disprove the myth was starting to feel futile.

Conversation didn’t help their case. Isaac used the phrase “down like Charlie Brown” repeatedly, and talk inevitably turned to their policies. I zoned out for most of this, and occasionally nodded to things I didn’t understand, like, “Accountability is going to rest in the fact that we’re involving so many people.”

At one point, Melissa mentioned Gummy Vites and my interest was piqued. Finally, a cool topic I cared about. But just as I got ready to explain how I usually confuse cherry with tropical punch, Isaac killed it by telling us that it was easy to OD on them. That was the last straw. After dinner, I left to go find Learned Foote, while the others went to Campo so Isaac could “get [his] swerve on.”

Things with Learned didn’t start off well either. Despite previously emailing that I’d find him in Butler, after I texted him, he texted back, “Sorry whose number is this?” Not only did he forget about me, but his text suggested that he thought more than one person could potentially want to go to Butler with him on Saturday night.

We eventually went to his room, where I got right to the issue—I asked him how he would make Columbia a cooler place as CCSC president. After thinking about it for at least 15 seconds, he responded, “It depends what you mean by cool,” which is, like, the classic uncool thing to say. Anyone actually cool should know what’s cool. So I told him my own ideas of what initiatives his party should adopt—getting a Chuck E. Cheese in Lerner, installing a permanent Slip ’n Slide on Low Steps, and inscribing my name onto Butler. He seemed to have reservations about all my cool ideas.

Sometime between Learned explaining which were his favorite libraries and my noticing that his room has literally over 200 books, nerd alerts started ringing in my mind, and I realized Learned wouldn’t be disproving the myth for me. Eugenio Suarez was my only hope left.

Things looked promising when I met him on the Steps in the afternoon. The first thing I noticed was that he had a really badass amount of chest hair, which was particularly impressive to me because my chest is developing reflective properties. I enjoyed hearing about his dual citizenship—Spanish and American—and what it was like to be from Miami. But I was done messing around. So I pulled out the big question. No way he could dally around it. “What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever done?”

It was the job he got last summer through CCE. Enormously disappointed that he didn’t say something actually cool like growing his chest hair or hanging out with hot babes on Miami beaches, I could feel the nerd alerts starting to ring again. But then he justified his choice to me—his job was in Hong Kong, where he learned about an entirely new culture, political system, and lifestyle. He spoke convincingly as he said that it was his coolest thing because it gave him new life perspectives.

Since then, I’ve realized that perhaps my quest to disprove the myth of CCSC lameness has been flawed from the start. My notions of what’s “cool” and “lame” are pretty subjective, and probably even bigoted.

This will be my lifelong battle. But I can acknowledge today that it was pretty cool of all three candidates to waste their time talking with me. It’s a start.

Tony Gong is a junior in the School of Engineering and Applied Science majoring in applied math with a minor in philosophy. Bears frighten him. Tony Gong Explains the Universe runs alternate Thursdays.