The truth about comments

Hateful anonymous Internet comments are destroying Columbia.

First there were Columbia vs. Barnard feuds. Then a dumb Bwog comment last November claimed that Postcrypt Coffeehouse sold “tons of alcohol to minors,” which prompted an administrative attack on the innocent music venue. And, just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, an anonymous comment on my last Spec column told me to “suck it.”

So, in addition to crying, I’ve spent a lot of time this past week trying to understand the hateful comments written on Columbia’s pages. And it’s not that I wanted to do a particularly good job for this column. Most of them just had really bad spelling and grammar, so they were hard to read.

But all my research has paid off. A thorough investigation has validated an ingenious theory that finally elucidates all the offensive, cynical, ignorant comments that have ever appeared on Columbia sites. They’re written by the same person. Let’s turn to the evidence.

Uppercase letters are great—especially at the start of sentences. But people who leave hateful Internet comments seem systematically unaware of proper uppercase letter usage. Uppercase letters instead are consistently employed to express anger, or simply to highlight imperatives. Consider a comment directed at a naive transfer student from Wesleyan University on Columbia’s CollegeACB page written on Aug. 12, 2009: “TRANSFER BACK! COLUMBIA SUCKS!”

I believe the same student attacked again on April 11, 2010 (“EVERYONE AT REFERENCE LOOKS THE FUCKING SAME. unless you describe salient physical characteristics, there is no way to know anyone from anyone”) and yet again just yesterday on April 21, 2010 (“EAT SOME FUCKING FOOD OR I’LL STUFF A CHEESEBURGER DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!”). The likenesses here are just too striking to discount.

Another linguistic issue that our culprit struggles with is how to use ellipses. Before I continue I should admit … I believe I also may have problems with ellipses. Fortunately, no one except my mom, two or three lonely Spec editors, and maybe (…just maybe) my CC professor has ever actually read through … any of my writing. This makes my grammatical impact minimal … but an anonymous comment on a Bwog article about attention-hungry people dressed weirdly on College Walk will be seen by millions. Thus, I believe our offensive commentator has a moral obligation to appropriately use a period or commas instead of … you know, ellipses.

But this moral duty has been neglected. On April 8, 2010, under my Spec column on the Columbia College Student Council, the anonymous offender wrote, “suck it tony...obviously if you’re running for CCSC I’d definitely not vote for you...Isaac is an amazing, ambitious, friendly, generous, and intelligent person - he was a finalist for the Truman Scholarship and is a PPIA Fellow...both of which are extremely prestigious and note-worthy accomplishments...I am eager to see him as CCSC President and know how much he can do for us.”

The villain lashed out again on April 18, 2010 in another ellipsis-driven comment that could benefit from some periods and commas: “god if everyone working for Bwog is from Barnard it would explain a lot as to why it has been sucking so much this year… bwog, i don’t love you anymore.” You know, I don’t think Bwog loves you anymore either.

Further clues indicate that our culprit may suffer psychologically due to troubled relationships with maternal figures. This symptom was initially manifested in a Bwog comment on Oct. 2, 2008 when the suspect posted “a YO MOMMA joke” (again demonstrating imprecise uppercase usage here) and posited, “the only one who gets offended at vagina jokes is someone who has one.” And that’s not even true because I usually cry whenever someone calls me a vagina.

The suspect’s conception of the maternal image has steadily grown more troubled. On April 3, 2010 the culprit attacked a fellow student on CollegeACB in the following way: “your mama looks like a HAIRRRRRYYY MANNN take that bitch.” And, on April 18, 2010, the suspect revealed even deeper misconceptions about his/her grandmother on Bwog: “My octogenarian grandmother dresses better than they do! Her tastes are way more modern!” By the way, I already looked up “octogenarian” and it just means aged at least 80 years. It has absolutely nothing to do with an octopus. Seriously. I checked.

Is there any hope of identifying this culprit soon? Probably not, because I neither have access to nor do I understand the meaning of IP addresses. But I believe we are making good progress. We can disqualify me because I came up with this theory.

And it’s important that we keep looking because I believe the offender has started to target forums outside of Columbia. Watch for giveaway clues like “your momma” comments on YouTube and offensive Chatroulette behavior from anyone that could have a fashionable grandmother.

And for God’s sake, be wary of anyone wielding a cheeseburger at your throat.

Tony Gong is a junior in the School of Engineering and Applied Science majoring in applied math with a minor in philosophy. Bears frighten him. Tony Gong Explains the Universe runs alternate Thursdays.