Why we're better than everyone else

Brown
Do you really think these peace-loving, flower wreath-wearing, hippies have the “killer instinct?” No.

Cornell
Cornell offers a course called “Sheep.” Yes, that’s the official title. The Big Red may be able to hang a Sweet Sixteen banner this fall, but it’ll probably celebrate by going cow tipping.

Dartmouth
Okay, so people say we suck at sports, but Dartmouth really sucks. Probably because Hanover still doesn’t have indoor plumbing.

Harvard
Jeremy Lin may be the first Ivy player in 15 years to enter the NBA (congrats, dude), but the rest of the team is a BUNCH OF DIRTY CHEATERS—or at least, their assistant coach committed an unintentional secondary violation.

Penn
The Fighting Quakers? What an (oxy)moronic mascot. Also, we’re now ranked higher than they are in the U.S. News and World Report rankings—not that those are important—so Penn can suck it.

Princeton
Do we even need to explain this one? Eating clubs, lawn parties, popped collars—the list of reasons Princeton sucks goes on and on.

Yale
No need to poke fun at the Bulldogs—they already have to live in New Haven.