On the power of the compliment

When a group of bold, bright, highly driven Barnard women come together, one can be sure there will be some sort of disagreement.

The 10 of us—all rising seniors at Barnard—were some of the blessed few this summer who received free housing, an internship, and a stipend through the Athena Summer Fellowship Program. In exchange, we gave up an hour of our Wednesday nights to meet with the other fellows and the Athena Center’s director to reflect on our work experiences.

As we wrapped up the program at our last meeting one late August evening, we were each faced with the following question: What did you take away from the Athena Program? Some answers I expected: the importance of networking, the value of taking initiative, the need to communicate. But one fellow’s answer in particular surprised me: the power of a compliment. While I assumed she meant this in a professional capacity, I was shocked to hear she meant it in a personal sense.

She continued to explain that throughout her internship, she had learned how useful it could be to compliment someone on her shoes, her dress, or her hair to start a conversation—and some of the other fellows agreed with her. Even the Center’s director noted that she had never gotten compliments about her clothes until she came to Barnard. For the first time, I did not feel inspired around a group of fellow Barnard women—I felt helpless. As a student at one of the Seven Sisters (the seven historic liberal arts colleges for women founded in the 1800s), which encourage the advancement of women in fields of all kinds, I was amazed to see strong, beautiful Barnard women perpetuating the exact type of gender stereotyping that those before us have worked so hard to destroy.

I brought up this topic of gendered compliments to my male friends who were also interning in the city. They unanimously agreed that the few times they gave or received compliments, they were likely to say something along the lines of, “Your proposal was great!” or “Nice job in the meeting.” Why, then, would a young woman in this day and age want to introduce herself to a superior in the break room by complimenting his haircut (to which the response would be, “Thanks, my wife loves it!”)?

There is no denying that a compliment is a powerful tool. It lets both a supervisor and an employee give constructive, positive feedback and can serve as an encouraging way to provide someone with validation for what she does and how she does it. But a personal compliment about one’s external appearance, whether or not it is given with innocent intent, encourages a kind of objectifying dialogue in the workplace. A woman’s or a man’s appearance and grooming ought not to equal her or his value or worth. If a compliment is a form of validation, why validate someone’s looks? Why not applaud her intellect, her skill, or her creativity?

This lack of recognition for individual talents is just one reason why the gender gap is still very present in our society. An article recently published in the United Kingdom’s Daily Mail reported that men and women both preferred male supervisors to female supervisors. Some indicated their preference was because men were “able to leave their private life at home” and would be “less likely to bitch about others.” The biggest asset for male bosses? That they don’t have a “time of the month.” Women and men are still associated with and evaluated for their gender stereotypes. For the women who are striving to be successful in their workplaces—and for the women at Barnard and Columbia who hope to be successful in the future­—this may be the most difficult challenge we will ever face.

We will never be able to escape the fact that we are women, and perhaps we shouldn’t try to. But if we want to be treated as the equals of men, we must act like their equals. If we want to be held to the same standards by society, we must first hold ourselves to the same standards. By using a compliment to objectify a woman—or a man—we not only perpetuate gender roles, but also conform to the very same female stereotypes that generations of feminists have fought against. Our grandmothers, mothers, and aunts have put tons of cracks in the glass ceiling. But just because we can see through the glass to our goal does not mean we are anywhere near it yet. If we as a society want to achieve gender equality, we must work to eliminate the preconceived notions of men and women before they have a chance to manifest themselves in the workplace.

Personally, nothing can beat an email from my boss congratulating me on finishing a huge project. Not even a pair of J.Crew pumps—on sale.

Vaidehi Joshi is a Barnard College senior majoring in English. She is the president of CU Chai Chat and a research assistant at the Barnard Center for Research on Women. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back runs alternate Wednesdays.