One too many one-night stands

It’s one of those nights when the constellations line up in favor of a hook-up—your hair is perfect, you’re buzzed but not drunk, and the guy or girl whom you’ve been trying desperately to impress for the last hour is in your dorm room. You haven’t had sex for a month, and though you’re not expecting a mind-blowing orgasm, you at least hope for decent oral sex. And then … well, most of us can fill in the rest, including the potentially awkward exchange of numbers, the smelly clothes, the unidentified stains, and the messy hair. It’s the famous—or depending on your personal experiences, infamous—one-night stand.

With midterm season out of the way, there is no better time than now to find out how everybody’s celebrating the temporary respite from exams. The reasons why people have one-night stands are probably as varied and the reason why we have sex at all. From my conversations, however, I’ve drawn out a few major themes—physical need, avoidance of relationships, alcohol, and a desire for kink.

Most of us feel an urge to have sex whether we’re dating anyone or not, and sometimes, we prefer to satisfy our bodies more than our emotions. After all, it’s Columbia—as one of my friends said, “I have a life, they have a life. People are busy!” Personally, when stress builds up, I crave physical release more than ever, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Hours spent cooped up in Butler can lead to an unmanageable need for instant satisfaction. For many, there’s no better way to get it than through a short and sweet roll in the hay.

Yet, when one-night stands become a pattern, I can’t help but think that shallow sex is less a convenience for physical satisfaction and more as a way to avoid commitment. It’s easy to become accustomed to a pattern, and after eight or nine one-night trysts in a row, I imagine a person stops getting to know their bedmates as people. Having sex with strangers also makes it easy to avoid the intense emotional investment of a long-term relationship—something that is frightening for many college kids.

Alcohol, though usually not mentioned by websites offering a series of steps to “score,” is a huge part of a one-night stand. I have to strain my memory to think of a single story I’ve been told where a one-night stand wasn’t fueled by shots. Alcohol provides an excuse when friends demand to know why you hooked up with the guy dressed like The Situation, and allows you to pretend to forget everything when you see him in class. More importantly, drinking gives many of us uptight Columbia kids a chance to let go.

I’ve heard it said that everyone has a fetish, and for some, it seems the easiest way to act on it is with a stranger. As one of my interviewees told me, “You lose all inhibitions. You don’t know them, so you don’t care what they think.” The knowledge that the sex has a time limit acts as an aphrodisiac for many, while the alcohol-induced craziness of the night allows students to let go of hang-ups and nerves in a way that’s not possible under the pressure of impressing someone they actually like. With one-night stands, there’s no fear of rejection or embarrassment over an eyeball fetish the next day—once you’ve said your good-byes, the person is out of your life.

Despite these broader patterns, many people’s one-night stand experiences are unique. The same person who sang the praises of one-night stands and the sexual freedom they allow, told me later that she made a vow of celibacy just a few days ago, deciding that she wanted to find something more meaningful. As she said, “having sex with someone you’re in love with is the best.” Another friend, who used to be a player, said that many of his one-night stands were the result of him not valuing himself or his desires enough.

My story is a little unexpected too. One night, after hours of bar hopping, I found myself hooking up with someone I had very little interest in as a person, though the same night I had met someone I wanted to date. I’m still figuring out my true motives—the act continues to feel irrational—but in part, I think I essentially acted on my physical desires with the man I didn’t care about because I wanted to avoid jumping at the one I liked, and creating the impression of being too “easy.” Stupid, I know, but we all make mistakes and like everyone else I talked to about their one-night stands, I just moved on. The great (or for some, the worst) part about one-night stands is that they hardly last any time at all, and before you know it, you’re sitting in CC, tapping a pencil, and wondering who you’ll meet tonight.

Valeriya Safronova is a Columbia College junior majoring in East Asian Languages and Cultures. Sex in the Lion’s Den runs alternate Fridays.