Columbia men's basketball sends mixed signals

You know when a girl gives you the look but then leaves the bar, or grinds on you right before talking about her boyfriend? These are what you call mixed signals, and the past few weeks have been full of them.

See, my mixed signals aren’t coming in the amorous part of my life, but the Columbia basketball team has been my girlfriend of late, making me travel to Ithaca, Boston, Providence, and New Haven just to see her play. I even paid for train tickets, bought all the meals and talked through her problems after every game.
Despite all this effort on my part, I’m still waiting for the kind of consistent relationship I desire. All this traveling, writing, and announcing for a middle-of-the-pack team? This is our last year together. I just want a little bit more.

It can’t be because I didn’t go to Hanover, can it? I mean, it’s Hanover, and it was cold.

Is it that I picked Harvard to win the league? I was just trying to use the reverse jinx. Of course I believe in her.

Before I get ahead of myself, what are these mixed signals, you ask? Well, the list is all over the place.

First, there is coach Kyle Smith. He came in and got me all excited that my girl had gotten a major makeover with a West Coast guru. He helped take a team to the Sweet 16—the least I could hope
for was a top-three finish. At first, we got along famously. I was finishing his sentences, he was smiling all the time, and people even showed up at Levien to see the Lions play.

Then things started to fall apart. Three losses in four games because my girlfriend was letting all kinds of attackers penetrate right through her defense, take advantage of her, and send her out in the cold with nothing.

Worst of all, suddenly the guru had no answers for me. Why did the team let a freshman utterly dominate it? How did Yale go on a 33-7 run in the first half? Why did the offense look so stagnant? HE DIDN’T KNOW.

Could it be something with her brain? Brian Barbour had been playing so well, scoring at a clip not even Smith anticipated. He still scored 19 points against Yale, but this past weekend he just wasn’t finishing like he used to. It killed us at the end of games, and I just couldn’t figure it out. Neither could Brian, but that can’t be the only reason.

Maybe the Lions are suffering from a crisis of confidence? Captain Noruwa Agho is supposed to be an All-Ivy performer, a scoring machine with a newfound passing game. Then why has he scored six points in half of the Ivy games? He’s driving into the lane, but then he isn’t shooting. Six assists AND six turnovers in one game? Oy vey. That’s part of it, but they won that game against Cornell when he only scored six points.

Is she bottling something up inside? Mark Cisco has been so up-and-down I don’t know what to make of it. He’ll be great for five minutes and then nonexistent for 15. Smith certainly has kept him on a tight leash, so maybe we loosen it a little and let all those big emotions out? That doesn’t explain Asenso Ampim, though. He’s totally come out of his shell. 34 shots in two games? Holy mackerel.

Maybe the answer is that she is just too young and immature. Steve Frankoski, Dyami Starks, Meiko Lyles—all those guys have struggled on the road, both shooting the ball and on defense.
That’s so many options my head is spinning. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Is everything OK? Columbia is still 3-3, and I get to relax at home for the next two weekends. No paying for tickets, no slipping on the ice. Speaking of this weekend, two wins and we’re back in business.

The only problem? Penn and Princeton. Both of these teams have been pretty abusive over the years. Think lots of hair-pulling and anorexia jokes. I can still remember two years ago at Jadwin Gymnasium. The Light Blue looked so bad I started drinking at halftime. I couldn’t take it.

This time I know I need to keep my wits about me and give her all the support she needs. But will it be enough? At least I know she can’t cheat on me with the Quakers.

Lucas Shaw is a Columbia College senior majoring in political science.
sports@columbiaspectator.com