Basketball guru takes all with Pixbox win

As the only columnist who frequently insults the Spec when not asked to, I was probably the last person everyone wanted to win Pixbox. Sure enough, I got an email asking me to turn this column in early, in which our very own Zach Glubiak wrote: “I know, this seems like the section is just freaking out because now you have free reign to bash on all of us, and to an extent that’s true.”

See, it’s like CBS telling Charlie Sheen he can have a 30-minute spot to bash the network, only without the crack rocks. I can’t speak to the hookers, but I can say that Vegas trips always have a happy ending.

Yet what my editors fail to realize is that this winner’s column has always seemed like a pretty stupid idea to me, and probably anyone else who has ever read it. Student journalists devote entire articles to insulting their peers—and often their friends—without any rhyme or reason. What kind of insecurities do these people have?

If I can remember those that have cast aspersions on me, Victoria said she didn’t know me well, just that I seemed mean and angry. I guess she’s a little sensitive, but I don’t really know her very well either. I recognize her by the Homer pieces about the football team. Whoops, sorry, I just got caught up in insulting people didn’t I?

The thing is, what would I have to say about my fellow columnists anyways? I am never in the Spec office and I don’t go to any of the Spec events. Both involve unidentifiable odors, bad alcohol, and too many of those nice but awkward/annoying people who populate much of Columbia.

Basically, it’s a bizarro fraternity except it produces a daily newspaper, which I barely ever read. All it takes is one headline for me to cringe or laugh. ‘CU wrestler on mission to perform well, do good.’ Really guys?

Regardless of their slight retardation, most of my fellow columnists just haven’t done anything to warrant my saying something mean about them.

I don’t even know who Myles and Lauren are, nor can I honestly say I’ve ever read any of their work. Shapiro had that amusing tirade against archery, but he mostly seems like a less obnoxious version of his older brother.

Bart, oh Bart. Why does he still have a column? Most of this semester it seemed to be so he could launch an All-Star campaign for Golden State Warriors’ guard Monta Ellis. Guess what? Ellis can be an All-Star when he realizes he has to play defense, stops turning it over too much, and takes fewer than five threes a game. For now, he’s an elite scorer on a bad team, not an All-Star. Mini-rant over.

Moving on to the rest of my colleagues, nothing but kind words come to mind.

Kunal has always been amicable, and there was also that time I fucked him over during the production of a basketball supplement. All I can say is I am sorry, and that drugs and alcohol were involved. Wait, are drug use mentions taboo post-Operation Ivy League?

Zach was everything anyone would want in sharing the basketball beat. He got away with covering the team without going to the games, and that was really more impressive than anything.

Michele temporarily abandoned the beat, and while that was sad, it may have been for the best. It meant there were a lot more questions being asked in meetings with the coaches and players. Ever heard of an editor who doesn’t care much for reportage? She is a trailblazer ladies and gentleman.

Jacob tries to do that whole public interest angle in a lot of columns, which I appreciate. His football coverage was also marginally better than Victoria’s, so kudos.

Jim and Mrinal have at least tried to make the section better. It might still be deteriorating, but hey, that’s tradition.

See being nice wasn’t so tough, and I got all that person-by-person invective done with time to spare. Chalk it up to my feeling sentimental. Covering basketball has been one of my favorite activities at Columbia, and consequently I am one of the world’s only Ivy basketball nerds. Another is my guest picker and good friend Tom DiBenedetto. Thanks bud.

He got a girlfriend out of it (indirectly), but what did I get out of this nerd-dom?

I have come to know a lot of great people­—former coach Joe Jones, current coach Kyle Smith, SID Pete McHugh, most of the players, the people at Cornell and Brown and Jerry Sherwin.

I’ve also met a lot of assholes—everyone at Princeton and Harvard. See, I tried to write a story about Harvard—a glowing one in fact—but it’s kind of tough when the school doesn’t respond to your interview requests. With Princeton I knew not even to try. It’s really too bad I don’t work at ESPN or the New York Times, but maybe one day.

At least those publications are finally writing about Ivy basketball, which is nationally unappreciated. The league should have gotten two bids this year, and if it continues on its current path, it could be a two-bid league for years to come.

Take that prediction to the bank, because by the end of this column, there is still only one thing I am clearly good at (besides being a jerk): #winning!

(No children were left in the other room during the writing of this column. They partook in the drug use and helped with the big words.)