Sexuality, like the rest of most people’s identities, is a hot mess. When trying to make sense of oneself, it can help to make out with someone else. But there are kind, ethical ways to experiment with sexuality, and there are douchebag ways to do so.
SCENE 1. GenderFuck is Columbia’s annual underwear party and tons of fun. This year, I went with my friend Gemma*, who is in a monogamous, long-term relationship with a guy. Gemma is curious about women, but she didn’t want to cheat on her boyfriend at GenderFuck. So, I was enlisted to help her “stay good.”
But everyone looks better in her underwear, and as scantily clad women brushed past, Gemma’s resolve started to waver. “I just want to play,” she said, gazing towards one woman in particular. “It doesn’t count if it’s a girl, right?”
“No, it counts. Be good,” I would say. And good she stayed.
BULLSHIT: the idea that sexual experiments with members of the same sex don’t count as cheating in a monogamous relationship. Playing with anyone is an experiment, and all of it has a meaning. To decide that members of the same sex automatically don’t count cheapens them and disregards any possible feelings they may have about the situation.
SCENE 2. Riley, a lesbian, fell into a frustrating pattern last semester: She would go to First Friday, meet a cute girl, and hook up, only to have the girl tell her, “I have a boyfriend,” which was disappointing because she was looking for a girlfriend.
“Is your boyfriend okay with this?” Riley would ask.
“Yeah, as long as it’s a girl,” the girl would say.
BULLSHIT: opening a relationship for same-sex experiments and nothing else. Although this type of relationship may appear to give any curious individuals involved support and freedom to explore their sexualities, this type of setup actually assumes that the curious individual is straight. That’s the only way to explain why hooking up with a member of the same sex is viewed as less threatening to a relationship than hooking up with a member of the opposite sex. Such an agreement precludes the possibility that a first kiss with a member of the same sex could be tied up with feelings or even the first tugs of love.
This isn’t to say that an open relationship can’t be a legitimate way to allow a partner to explore her sexuality. But open relationships have to be well-built and well-communicated—there has to be an understanding that falling in love with someone else is a legitimate risk, regardless of intention. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with only looking for casual flings outside of an open relationship, one does need to be upfront as soon as possible with new partners.
SCENE 3. Amber and Brooklyn, best friends, go on a vacation to a foreign country, where they get drunk and hook up. They don’t talk about it for ages. When they finally talk about it, Amber explains it away with something along the lines of, “We were in another country, and we were intoxicated.”
BULLSHIT: using the fear of attaching meaning to same-sex trysts as an excuse to be a douchebag. Anyone has the right to decide if her own attitude towards a hook-up was serious or wasn’t, as well as the implications it has for her sexual identity. But a kiss always means something—at the very least, it means “You were fabulous, and I couldn’t resist.” This is usually even more the case between close friends. Acknowledging the other person’s fabulousness doesn’t make anyone gay or dating—it’s common courtesy, and it makes everyone feel like less of a fool.
SCENE 4. Katy Perry kisses a girl at a party. Straight men look on. End of story.
BULLSHIT: probably not, actually. The key Katy Perry lyric here is “...and I liked it.” If Katy Perry kisses a girl because Katy Perry thinks she might enjoy kissing her, then this is no more offensive than any other kind of PDA. But if Katy Perry is kissing a girl purely as an attention-getting measure, then...
BULLSHIT: This is on the same level as faking an orgasm in an effort to please someone else—the worst ever. Fake passion isn’t sexy, and in this case, it insults all the real queer passion out there.
FIN: Experimenters should go forth knowing it is possible to be both casual and kind, unsure and unafraid.
*All names changed, except for Katy Perry’s.
Lucy Sun is a Columbia College senior majoring in economics. Queerbot runs alternate Fridays.
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