Casual Friday: Campus buildings close left and right

Nussbaum and Wu, the beloved student mecca for crisp bagels, panini, and fresh Stumptown Coffee, closed temporarily last Thursday due to 59 violation points. This has triggered a nightmarish domino effect of MoHi building closings, and as the Columbia administration scrambles to get a grip on the situation, prospectives seriously consider the downsides to a neighborhood with such questionable hygiene.

The second closing of the week was of Lerner Hall, as a leak in Ferris Booth’s fountain drink dispenser converted the ramps essentially into a slip-n-slide. While a number of student groups jumped at the opportunity to use this new development for boosting morale on campus, Public Safety announced that, “No matter how much fun the ramps might suddenly be, the quantity of orange soda that has been released prevents us from leaving the building open to the public.” The student center is scheduled to re-open next Monday.

Another closing happened just Wednesday, as several large, gaping cracks were discovered in the ceiling of Low Library. The cause has not yet been determined with certainty, but one source who wishes to remain anonymous maintains that the damages are likely due to the increasing number of parties that President Bollinger has been hosting with world leaders.

Most recently, and most noted by city-wide news outlets, was the hostile takeover of McBain by drugged mice. According to one McBain resident, the large amounts of smoke that accumulated on Wednesday night must have caused the uprising. Fortunately, students were able to evacuate, but they have been forced to live in Butler until a peace agreement can be made with the new guard.

To the prospectives who are concerned for their future health and safety, we encourage you to keep Columbia on your list. The long summer months will give the University a chance to thoroughly clean all campus buildings before your arrival, and a pilot plan is beginning in September that will install showers in the elevators of Carman Hall. To the administration, we commend this step toward improving hygiene on campus, but we hope that this will be just one of many big changes on campus. Our safety and well-being is in your hands.