There’s a perception around campus that Columbia sports suck. Or that Columbia sports blow. Let me set aside all of these myths. Whether or not Columbia blows or sucks, I can personally guarantee the wind created by the other seven Ivy schools singlehandedly caused Hurricane Irene. No joke. Look it up.
Do you really think these hippy feng shui majors have any athletic fortitude? No. In fact, one former athlete recently advocated in a column for the athletics department to be eliminated altogether.
Cornell offers a course called “Sheep.” Yes, that’s the title. The Big Red may be able to hang a 2010 Sweet Sixteen banner, but the students will probably celebrate by going cow tipping or drinking beer they brewed from the wheat and barley they harvested last fall.
Okay, so the general perception is that we suck at sports, but Dartmouth really sucks at sports. If the Pittsburgh Pirates, Detroit Lions, and LA Clippers invested in a college team, they’d choose Dartmouth. Luckily for Hanover residents, many don’t know about the Big Green’s revolting play since they don’t have the Internet up there.
Jeremy Lin may be the first Ivy player in 16 years to enter the NBA, but that doesn’t make up for the embarrassment of storming the court when the Crimson clinched a share of the Ivy basketball title last season, but then lost to Princeton in a one-game playoff.
The Fighting Quakers? Even though they’ve won two straight Ivy football titles, the only thing they’d do to celebrate a third is flip over a giant button sculpture on campus—which would be a Philly sports fan thing to do.
Do we even need to explain this? Eating clubs, lawn parties, popped collars, polo matches (ok, not really on the last one). We could print an entire list of all the reasons Princeton sucks, but it would likely destroy whatever’s left of the Amazon Rainforest. The Lions have beaten the Tigers by a combined score of 80-14 on the gridiron the past two years, and that trend doesn’t look to change anytime soon.
No need to poke fun at the Bulldogs—they already have to live in New Haven, aka the Fallujah of Connecticut. We recommend following the behavior of the Trinity squash team the next time you come in contact with an Eli (yes, that’s actually one of their nicknames).