Rallying the Knickerboxers: No stress, no mess

“Oh my God, it was, like, sooo ridiculous.”

“Yah, babe?”

“Yah! She was totally like, ‘No, I had those heels first, so you can’t wear them.’ And I was like, ‘Uh, they’re not the same shoes, they just look similar.’ And she was like, ‘Yah, well close enough. You can’t wear them unless you know that I’m not wearing them that day because I bought them first.’ And I was like, ‘What are you, the Queen of England? I need your permission to wear my own damn shoes?’ Sooo ridiculous.”

“Yah, babe?”

“Yah! And then she was like, ‘I can’t believe you bought the same heels as me.’ And I was like, ‘Bitch, I don’t even know all of the shoes that you own because, uh, your broke ass spends all your money on shoes. They’re freaking falling out of your mattress!’”

“Yah, babe?”

“Yah! Wait—don’t ‘yah babe’ me.”

“….”

“What, now you don’t have something to say? Do you think I’m wrong and that Connie needs to get her way every freaking time?”

“Noo . I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that you need to—”

“Ohh, great. So now you’re giving me advice, too. What is it, should I return the shoes, huh? Should I go over there and throw myself at Connie’s feet and beg her forgiveness, huh?”

“No, babe, I meant—”

“Don’t call me BABE right now! You know what, when I want to share something with you, I want to share something with you. But based on your feedback in this convo it seems like you don’t give a shit or you think it’s stupid.”

“I do think it’s stupid, Evelyn.”

[Evelyn shoves boyfriend off the bed.]

So much for pillow talk. Awesome job, Evelyn—well done.

Let’s take a moment and review the golden rule: no stress, no mess. Keep the stupid friend drama of the “then she was like, then I was like, then what’s her face was like” to a minimum for the sake of your relationship. For the love of all that is sacred in pillow talk! Because, if you pull an “Evelyn” all the time, bore your poor boyfriend to tears, and then go all crazy on his ass, then you might just solve one problem—the sassy boyfriend will get the hell outta there.

Now, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t tell your boyfriend or significant other anything that isn’t peachy keen or all roses. No. What I’m saying is get your head out of your ass and your friends’ asses and look at the issue from, I don’t know, an outside perspective.

Usually, the issue is stupid. And usually, it’s ridiculous. The fact that you may or may not be arguing with one of your best friends about a pair of heels or what you ate today doesn’t mean that you need to drag unsuspecting victims down with you.

Remember, no stress, no mess. Your significant other is there because he or she cares about you, and he or she (usually) wants to hear about what’s going on with you and your soap opera life, but maybe in a conveniently condensed, “fast-forwarded” version. Also, he or she is not the one who told you that you can’t wear the damn shoes! Remember that.

He or she, at least in this context, is not the enemy. By treating him or her as such, you’ll just alienate your partner. And then who will you go crawling back to? The Gestapo of Heels, that’s who.
Don’t let the stresses of other aspects of your life bite into your relationship like a parasite—that’s toxic. Instead, try to present your issues in a more levelheaded way. That’s so that you can work them out together instead of throwing your significant other into the battle arena and challenging him or her to a duel because you’re pissed.

Here’s what this “Evelyn” could have done instead.

“Ah, Brian, I’m so stressed out right now.”

“Why, babe?”

“Well, I was hanging out with the girls today at the mall and we split up in twos. I went with Jenny to DSW and bought a pair of the cutest heels. And then when we met up with everyone, Connie freaked out about me buying the shoes because she has a similar pair.”

“Haha, are you kidding?”

“No, I’m not! I know, it’s so ridiculous. She’s, like, willing to mess up our friendship and cause arguments out of the stupidest of things. I’m just frustrated because this has been happening a lot lately, her freaking out.”

“Yeah, I know. You’ve mentioned it a few times before. I know usually you go head to head with her and everything, but have you tried talking it out and saying what has been bothering you and why?”

“No, not really.”

“Why not, babe?”

“Well, because I feel like it’d cause more drama, you know?”

“Right now it doesn’t sound like there’s any less drama.”

“Ah, you’re right. I just need to try to get over it and try to have a real conversation about everything before it just gets worse.”

[Evelyn hugs Brian.]

Aw, now how cute is that?