On Wednesday, Spectator reported that IDs will be required to enter Barnard’s campus between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. We are encouraged by the Barnard administration’s decision to heighten security on campus and hope the rest of the University follows suit. In addition, we humbly suggest a few more measures to further improve campus security:
1. Tracking beacons should be placed on all cutlery and crockery located in John Jay.
2. LionMail security should be improved. ‘Device passwords’ don’t cut it. Email security should involve retinal scans or at least fingerprinting and voice recognition. In addition, a 20-minute, in-person identity verification process should be in place every time a student needs to reset his password for added protection.
3. Application for guest passes must be filed six months in advance as Columbia transitions from its old system to the new “blue card” system, which is to be modeled after the United States’ “green card” system. Unlike the American system, however, blue-card holders do not become eligible for citizenship (or in this case, studenthood) after seven years of residency.
4. During NSOP, first-year student badges should be replaced by microchips implanted into the pineal gland of students’ brains. This will ensure that free food does not go to the freeloading students around campus.
5. Full airport security should be implemented in Butler. We’re talking metal detectors, non-invasive full-body X-rays, random searches, and the right for Public Safety to conduct a full body cavity search if suspicion arises. No liquids or gels in containers of three ounces or larger.
6. Urine testing should be mandatory before Bacchanal. And after.
7. “Stop and Frisk” tactics are to be implemented on College Walk—consultation with the mayor’s office and the City of New York optional.
8. Residential adviser status should include the right to conduct random room searches without probable cause or a warrant issued from the University president’s office.
9. We ask that the University require a full customs declaration for each package shipped to Lerner. If illicit substances are suspected, package center officials have the right to open and search.
10. And finally, we will require blood deposits for blue bin requests, as follows: Upon rental, the renter must deposit a pint of blood. If the blue bin is not returned in two hours, the renter forfeits her plasma. For each subsequent overdue hour, the renter forfeits a portion of her platelets and red cells.
To implement these and other changes, we strongly advocate for the creation of a committee with a complicated acronym that will start out with no student members but then, after an immense push from this body and others, will include a random member of student council. Don’t you want a secure campus?
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