From: Barry Kane <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: New registration features on SSOL
It’s my pleasure to announce several new features that have been added to SSOL in an attempt to simplify (or complicate, we’re not really sure yet! LOL) the registration process. These changes come in response to the university’s realization that what this community calls “registration” is really a chaotic free-for-all during which crazed students damage their minds, fingers, and keyboards in an attempt to secure their classes as fast as possible, regularly overloading our besieged computer system. So, without further ado, here are the new lists that students can create during registration that should help organize their classes.
Wait List: Students can now add their names to Wait Lists for certain classes. This feature will allow courses that operate on a first-come, first-serve basis to be filled in a simple, efficient manner. For courses that use selective registration, teachers will be able to see Wait Lists and make enrollment decisions, allowing them to exercise any prejudices they have based on a student’s information, including—but not limited to—racism, sexism, and ageism.
Wish List: Students who know what courses they would like to take can use a Wish List to create a tentative schedule of those classes. During registration periods, students will only have to press the “submit” button for SSOL to automatically register them for their Wish List classes. Not only does this feature let students see their potential schedules months in advance, but it also levels the playing field for the digitally challenged. No longer will the dweeb who spends 80 hours a week gaming on his PC beat you to the last spot in a class because his World-of-Warcraft-trained hands can type 180 words per minute while his fortified hard drive runs laps around your coffee-stained ’06 MacBook. No—now all it takes is a single button.
Wannabe List: This list is used for compiling classes that you think might be useful for getting a job in the real world, since you are otherwise utterly unqualified and unprepared. You’ve realized that while your major in Astrological Signs with a concentration in Knitting has made for an academic cakewalk, your resume is looking a little thin. Plus, your friend in finance made five figures this summer while you tried and failed to launch a dog-walking business (has anyone seen a small, white, deceptively fast terrier?), prompting you to consider a more lucrative area of study.
Way-Over-Your-Head List: This feature is for students who have decided to challenge themselves by taking a class that everyone else knows is far too difficult. You’re set on partying less, studying more, and climbing to new intellectual heights. Sure, you don’t know a thing about statistical thermodynamics or philosophy of quantum physics, but isn’t that what textbooks are for? And no, this won’t fulfill any requirements for the Core or your major, but college is about exploring the many corners of academia and figuring out your interests, right? Don’t say we didn’t tell you so…
Wildly Pretentious List: This list is for adding classes that you hope will give you some communication ammunition at your next highbrow event. You’ve noticed that the conversations at get-togethers are becoming far too sophisticated (Syria? Is that closer to Mordor or Gondor?) for your lacking knowledge and that your comments about how tempting the next-episode button on Netflix is simply won’t cut it anymore. So you need to take some classes that will fill you with easily-regurgitated facts. What counts? Anything, really—15th-century German art, the rise and fall of the Persian empire, and so on. Just make sure you sound smart when you’re recounting the “infinitely engaging cognitive endeavor,” as you’ll like to put it.
Would-You-Date-a-Classmate? List: You’ve had a crush on the same person for two years and despite your very aggressive game plan—letting her skip you on the omelet line at Ferris Booth was a total power move, bro—you haven’t really come close to romance. So you manage to find out about a class your crush is taking, and even though the subject sounds horribly boring, the guaranteed 150 minutes of face time per week is too precious to give up. Add the class to this list and pray to God you get a project assignment with that special someone.
Well-That-Was-Easy List: This feature is for the classes that you take only for the easy A. Your sagging GPA needs a boost, and you’ve looked up a 91-year-old professor on CULPA who doesn’t care if you exclusively cite Wikipedia and shows preference to anyone who brings him lentil soup before class. Add his course to this list, and reap the benefits.
Wishful Thinking List: This list is reserved for classes that you’re hoping to sign up for based solely on the name of the course. You haven’t done much research, but how could you go wrong with a class like Sex in the Tropics or Advanced Robotics? Eventually you’ll realize that the former includes a lot more depressing statistics and way less softcore pornography than you’d hoped and that the latter relies far less on fiery robot death battles and much more on 12-page problem sets than you’d predicted, but for now, ignorance is bliss.
We hope that these new features help students create and manage their schedules. If not, we’ll address it some other time. Maybe 2016.
Walker Harrison is a Columbia College senior majoring in creative writing and mathematics. Morningside Sleights runs alternate Thursdays.
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