Columbia authorities have interpreted the re-emergence of Columbia Admirers from the Facebook graveyard as an indication that student love life has shown no recent improvement, and they now look to take a more active role in creating romance around campus.
“When Columbia Admirers went down last spring, the board took it as a sign that our students might actually start sacking up and talking to their love interests,” said A’Lelia Bundles, vice chair of the Board of Trustees, at a press conference announcing upcoming developments at the University. “Instead, we see that they’d still prefer to send cryptic messages through an online third party. I mean, c’mon, you guys only have four years here, so we’re going to need something more expeditious than anonymously telling your crushes that they looked cute in class last week!”
Therefore, Columbia has made the executive decision to reappropriate the career-planning system as a match-making service, a bold move considering the weak job market that awaits graduating students, and to transform Lionshare into Loinshare. “We hope the change to Loinshare expresses our intent to prioritize passionate relationships over employment,” said Mark E. Kingdon, another member of the board. “Since who really cares about having a job if you can’t come home to that special someone!” When asked how his own love life was doing, he pointed into the distance and yelled, “Look at that!” before scurrying out of the room. He was later seen in the Lerner Hall computer lab creating a profile on Loinshare.
Columbia administrators predict that the switch from Lionshare to Loinshare will be easier than students might anticipate, since many of the facets of the former can be seamlessly incorporated into the latter. “We’re essentially going to use the same program and just shift the focus from jobs to romance,” Bundles said. Students will still be able to use the website’s useful search function, except they will now be sifting through potential relationships instead of employment opportunities. Even the familiar vocabulary from the program will remain mostly untouched, as school officials felt that terms like Casual On-Campus, Temporary, and Full Time Experienced could still aptly describe what students are looking for in a companion.
“Call me old-fashioned, but I also wanted to keep the paid/unpaid option. Unfortunately, that idea was shot down pretty quickly at one of our meetings,” said board member Kenneth Forde with a hearty chuckle and a wink.
Instead of uploading resumes, cover letters, and other documents, students will now be asked to provide Loinshare with their interests, some general background information, and a falsely attractive photo of themselves (or, in extreme cases, that of an alleged celebrity doppelgänger). It is the school’s hope that these submissions make successful “interviews,” or dates, more likely. However, to further increase the chances of a robust match, Loinshare will continue to offer mock interviews to help students prepare for conversations with prospective mates.
At first, board members felt that the mock interview process was a superfluous leftover from Lionshare, but, after conducting some stealthy research, they reconsidered. On several evenings early in the semester, they sent undercover members to dorms and local bars to gauge how desperately Columbia students needed guidance. Their results were discouraging. Apparently, mock interviews are still required to weed out overused and uninspired topics, such as favorite breakfast cereals and high school sports injuries.
“These kids really need to step their game up,” said Kingdon, one of the undercovers. “This one couple wouldn’t stop talking about this ‘creepy old dude’ writing things down on a notepad—must’ve been some modern television reference that goes beyond me.”
The school did face some problems when trying to figure out how to redress the various upcoming career fairs to align with the overhaul of the career services program. Ultimately, it was decided that all the companies planning on attending would be uninvited, effectively turning the fairs into single mingle events.
“These school-led functions have always been the hip place to be on weekends for students, so why not just have more of them with a focus on meeting people?” Forde explained. “Hey, maybe I’ll go! You know, just to facilitate and such...”
Loinshare was supposed to launch this week, but its software needed tinkering after a messy trial run earlier in the month. Apparently, the program, after being released temporarily to the public for test responses, was inundated with vulgar submissions from around New York City.
“Who would have thought that advertising a website called Loinshare as a meeting place for lonely youths would spark such a reaction!” said Bundles, who informed the media that a Columbia UNI was now required to log on.
Even though Loinshare has not been released yet, whisperings of its arrival have permeated campus, eliciting mostly negative feedback from students. One undergraduate called the new program a huge mistake by the administration and a waste of money, but he couldn’t be reached for a follow-up since he commented through Columbia Admirers.
Walker Harrison is a Columbia College senior majoring in applied mathematics and creative writing. Morningside Sleights runs alternate Thursdays.