Arts and Entertainment | Music

CUMBing attraction: Band discusses its porno

  • Woodwind | The band’s instruments bare all in their forthcoming porno, “Mouthpiece.”

The Columbia University Marching Band has thrust itself into the world of soft-core pornography by entering its new film “Mouthpiece” into the HUMP! Festival in Portland, Ore. The festival, whose website describes it as the “Pacific Northwest’s biggest and best amateur-produced porn festival,” is held annually, and copies of the amateur pornography are burned at the end of the event. 

According to the band, the film tells the story of how a “young man cursed (gifted?) with a clarinet penis finds love in a world that just doesn’t understand.” Spectator sat down with the band to talk about its process and its inspiration. Since individual band members will eventually want jobs, we’ve attributed responses to the entire Columbia University Marching Band.

Max Fiest: What inspired you to make a porno?
Columbia University Marching Band: Stravinsky’s “Rite of Spring.”

MF: Walk me through the creative process.
CUMB: We had to illustrate a physically impossible scenario—a clarinet penetrating an accordion (which, by the way, has no hole)—in such a way that it appears sexually explicit. And much to our surprise, it turned out to be as grotesque and convincingly porn-y as any mainstream title. 

MF: Why the name “Mouthpiece?” Why not simply “Blow Me?”
CUMB: “Blow Me” does not capture the rich, diverse, and loving sex acts portrayed in the film. “Mouthpiece” leaves room for romance, which is a crucial part of what we were getting at.

MF: On a scale of abstinence ring to Roman orgy, where does your film fall?
CUMB: The uncomfortable sexual tension of “A Whole New World,” plus boning.

MF: What is the prominent focus of your film aside from sex?
CUMB: As we mentioned before, this is a film that is first and foremost about love, and second and secondmost having a clarinet for a penis.

MF: What do you hope to achieve through this film?
CUMB: To be the only marching band in the world to have made a festival-featured porno (check). To highlight the daily struggle of clarinet-penised individuals (check). And to make enough prize money to buy a real microphone for future videos (we’ll see).

MF: What advice can you offer to those in our audience who would like to follow in your footsteps and make a porno of their own
CUMB: Make sure the accordion isn’t too big to fit comfortably between your legs. A condom wrapped around a clarinet will break instantly. Buy a real microphone. 

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity. 

arts@columbiaspectator.com@ColumbiaSpec

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