HEY GUYS. WE NEED TO TALK.
We were fine with the initial Facebook post. Happy for you, even! The Instagram of your plane ticket was a bit much, but we’ll let it slide this time. We only rolled our eyes a little when your “arubaaaaa 2k13 :)” Spotify playlist showed up in our News Feed. Even your dozen daily Snapchat selfies were tolerated with minimal mimed vomiting.
But then came the blog. Then the corresponding Twitter, then the supplementary photography Tumblr, the travel-specific Vine account, and finally, the mass email chain to which your Great Aunt Harriet keeps hitting reply
all. To this we say: enough is enough. We fucking get it. You’re studying abroad.
This is just jealousy speaking, of course. While you’re touring the Italian countryside on a baby-blue Vespa, we’re dying a thousand slow deaths in the flood-lit bowels of Butler. But your constant flow of social media updates has left us a little mystified as well. We think it’s great that you’re on the roof of a jungle-themed nightclub in the center of Abu Dhabi, wearing a stomach necklace and sucking on the beefy neck of a man named Bjorn, but did you really have to Instagram it from seven different angles? Was your first taste of authentic Greek yogurt in Santorini truly worthy of four blog posts? And—be honest here—did you really have to make your profile picture that shirtless selfie of you lying in the snow on Mount Kilimanjaro? Your nipples look cold, bro. Put that Patagonia back on.
This isn’t to say we don’t enjoy some of it. Your Vine of Kate Middleton’s motorcade passing through Oxford went viral on Buzzfeed, after all! But when your travel muploads outnumber the number of Throwback Thursday posts of all 70 of your sorority sisters, it’s probably time to ease back on that social media push. After a while, all your photos of Malta’s beaches and Austrian meat platters (side note: should you really be eating that much schnitzel?) and David’s marble dick start to blur together for all of us left here in New York. Start a revolution, ye world travelers, and throw your Nikon off a bridge in Zimbabwe! Crack your iPhone on the floor of a mosque in Cairo! Leave your MacBook on a train headed to Lausanne! Take a break from all that social media climbing and get back to actually living. Bjorn’s neck isn’t going to suck itself, after all.