Dear PrezBo

Exactly two weeks ago, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, spoke at our school. One of the most despised men in modern history, he came at your behest and I applaud you for inviting him so that he could air his opinions in a public forum. You are a champion of free speech and for this you ought to be commended.

But let’s be serious. “Free speech” has been done. Columbians are above discussing such a soft-ball issue. Instead, a school like Columbia should be lending its energies to addressing the issues that no other school will touch. I’m not talking about war or poverty or disease. No, I’m talking about a real issue.

I’m talking about the relationship between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

As you are a good American, I imagine you are familiar with MTV’s original program The Hills, the granddaddy of all quasi-reality shows, which follows the lives of four beautiful, affluent girls in Los Angeles and the boys who love them. Every Monday night, for a single half hour (or roughly 8 minutes if you count all the commercials), we plebeians can catch a glimpse of the glamorous life. It is perfect escapism. Perfect, that is, except for Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt, according to Lauren, is a “sucky person.” Fans of the show will surely agree that beyond being sucky, he is also the most worthless human being alive. Not since David Cross played Dr. Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development has someone more clueless graced the small screen. Or maybe since Will Arnett played G.O.B. Bluth on Arrested Development. Alright—not since Arrested Development was unjustly cancelled (there’s another issue for us to tackle) has someone so oblivious to their own value filled a half-hour (or eight minute) time slot.

Heidi’s relationship with this Prince Charming has absolutely destroyed the poor, once-sweet girl. Not only has she lost her BFF Lauren Conrad and her BFFIT (BFF in training) Audrina Something-or-other, but she is currently alienating even her BFFAW (BFF at work) Elodie Whats-her-face. With whom shall Heidi be left? I would volunteer to be her friend, but I have a degree to complete and my parents told me on my eighteenth birthday that if I ever took part in an MTV reality show they would disown me. I then appeared on a never-aired season of FOX’s Temptation Island and am now an orphan. I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. I’m sorry.

But enough about me and my reality television heroics/mistakes. The point is that the Spencer/Heidi relationship (or “Speidi” as some of my lady friends say) is exactly the kind of controversial issue that will help us take Columbia’s Free Speech for Loonies platform to profound new stratospheres of excellence. Not to mention that students would benefit immensely from being able to ask Mr. Pratt some of the hard-hitting questions that have plagued Columbia students’ minds since the start of Season Two, when Spencer inexplicably entered the girls’ idyllic world.

Question one: Where the hell did Spencer come from? Because he has not been given a public platform, I have been forced to speculate that Spencer was genetically engineered in some god-forsaken arctic laboratory by MTV. The ultimate monkey wrench, they must have theorized that his creation would lead to higher ratings than any other quasi-reality program, such as FOX’s Temptation Island, for which, again, Mom and Dad, I am sorry.

Question two: Why hasn’t he told his parents about the engagement? Again, I have had to turn to my own peculiar genius to satisfy this because Columbia has not yet invited Spencer to talk. The reason he hasn’t told his parents, ladies and gentlemen, is that he doesn’t have any parents. Unless you count profane and blasphemous evil science as a parent, which I do not. Although I suppose I would accept that as a parent because, again, I was disowned for appearing on Temptation Island season 2.5, available on DVD only in Japan.

Question three: What does he do for a living? Answer: nothing, because unspeakable horrors of the genetically-engineered variety don’t actually “live,” so the notion of a living is utterly alien to them. They also don’t need to eat and his trips to restaurants are merely a form of social posturing. Just like one doesn’t actually need parents. Do you hear me Mom and Dad?!

Obviously my answers are probably true, but unless we let Spencer speak for himself, we will never know. As a serious academic community, it is our responsibility—no, our God-given obligation—to invite Spencer Pratt to speak at Columbia. If not for the benefit of our students, then do it because it will render the criticism of talking heads like Bill O’Reilly (also genetically engineered in the Arctic) obsolete. Obsolete like parents.

I should never have appeared on Temptation Island,
Eddie

The author is a Columbia College senior majoring in classics.