Christmas Come Early, aka Elimination Day

For 99 percent of the U.S., October 9 was the best day of the year.

In what’s rapidly becoming an annual tradition, Yankee haters coast-to-coast celebrated Elimination Day, the date that marks the end of the Yankees’ baseball season. It’s one of the few times where Red Sox fans and Mets fans can celebrate together, and when the fans of even the lowliest teams can wake up in the morning and say, “Well, my team is screwed for years to come, but at least the Yankees are done.” It’s like Christmas come early.

Of course, this day is far more fun if you actively hate the Yankees, like any good American should. Few things beat tuning into WFAN 66 AM on Elimination Day to hear Mike Francesa and Chris “Mad Dog” Russo do their postmortem on yet another Yankee season that’s gone down the tubes. The best part is hearing wave after wave of Yankee fans call in sounding like they’ve just had a death in the family. To be honest, it’s actually pretty amazing that Yankee fans call in the first place, considering that most of them lack the intelligence necessary to operate a phone, speak in coherent sentences, or breathe and move at the same time.

For Red Sox fans, it’s a toss-up as to what’s more enjoyable: a Boston win or a New York loss. And even though I’ve grown weary of watching the Sox and the Yankees battle in games that have driven me to the brink of cardiac arrest, I never get tired of watching the Yankees lose. That’s the beautiful thing about having an archenemy—even when your team spits the bit, you can always take pleasure in watching your enemy fall flat on its face.

It’d be a stretch to say that Columbia football has an arch-nemesis, mainly because that would imply an established history of winning. It’s hard to take much pleasure in watching another Ivy League team lose when your own team has spent the better part of the last decade redefining futility. But that doesn’t mean that Columbia can’t start something with another team to make things more interesting for its fans. And luckily for the Lions, one team above all others has made itself a viable candidate for archrival status: Penn.

To be fair, the rivalry between the Quakers and the Lions has been equivalent to the rivalry between the hammer and the nail. But even if Columbia’s success against Penn has been scant in the past, the pre- and postgame trash talk that the Quakers coaching staff allegedly engaged in before last year’s 16-0 win has established Penn as a willing target of Columbia’s enmity. At the least, it prompted a tirade by Lions’ head coach Norries Wilson that several Spectator writers have described as the most terrifying experience of their lives.

As I said before, historically, there isn’t much in the way of an illustrious rivalry between Penn and Columbia. But with the following three easy steps, the Lions can get fans going at each other’s throats and put a little excitement into what’s been a disappointing season so far:

1. Start spreading malicious lies about the Penn program. Obviously, it’s hard to hate a team if they do nothing to earn it. So why not create some scenarios that would prompt some good old fashioned blind anger? Something like spreading fake news stories along the lines of “Penn players support Vick, Ahmadinejad, Global Terror,” or, “Bagnoli: ‘I’m a Registered Republican’.” That last one will definitely rile up some people on this campus. Is this tactic unethical? Absolutely. Will it build up a reservoir of anger against Penn? Definitely.

2. Damage something valuable to Penn. If college football has taught me anything, it’s that most fans put a disturbing amount of pride in shiny trinkets and school symbols. So what better way to set the Quakers back then by hurting them symbolically? The Columbia College Student Council is already making some headway with this by sponsoring an “Eat the Quakers for Breakfast” Homecoming event, but that’s too much of a bizarre cannibalistic ritual for my tastes (no pun intended). Let’s simplify it. Donald Trump is a Penn alum—how about we invite him for a speech and then heckle him mercilessly? Although, on second thought, Donald Trump probably isn’t a source of pride for most Penn students. Still, anything where we get to heckle Donald Trump can’t be bad. I’ll keep working on this one.

3. Talk some trash before the game. I know this isn’t exactly Columbia’s M.O., but it’d be entertaining as hell to see the team raise the stakes a bit by calling the Quakers out before Saturday. If the program is uncomfortable with using its own words, then how about running some of Mr. T’s choice quotes from Rocky III? Something like Norries Wilson hosting a press conference and saying, “My prediction for the Penn game? Pain,” before punching out a guy in a Quaker costume. Now that’s entertainment.

Look, just about every team has a natural rival—for the Red Sox, it’s the Yankees; for the Lakers, it’s the Celtics; for the Miami Dolphins, it’s success. So why doesn’t Columbia get on board and join the fun? And even if the Lions can’t pull out the victory on Saturday, we can all at least have fun watching our rival sputter too. Just ask Red Sox fans for proof that sometimes, that can be more fun than winning.

Jonathan Tayler is a Columbia College junior majoring in history.
Sports@columbiaspectator.edu