Case Study: Upperclassmen Superiority Complex

It happened in elementary school, it happened in middle school, it happened in high school, and it’s happening again in college. That’s right, the Upperclassmen Superiority Complex (UCSC) has made its glorious return. Before I continue, allow me to offer the following disclaimer: UCSC does not apply to the vast majority of easy-going, amiable upperclassmen (UC). But the few bad apples don’t do the rest any favors either.

But even the most superior upperclassmen were subject to the same tyrannical behavior when they were freshmen. So why do they feel the need to mimic the same ignorant behavior they once protested when they were in our position? What clearly happens is that they channel their own shortcomings and insecurities through vulnerable freshmen. We’re easy targets—soft and gooey on the inside with a thin crab-like shell on the outside.

Look at the end of this article: “The author is a Columbia College first-year.” Boom. First-year. Author. Spectator. Article. Opinion. Bollocks. Attack. Devour. Gloat.

What you have just read is a comprehensive outline of the intensive, higher thought process of the bad upperclassman apple. Seedy on the inside, seedy on the outside. Let’s take the scenario somewhere else. Let’s try Pinnacle cafe on Broadway. So it’s a Thursday night, around 2 a.m., and it’s time to chow down on some late-night snacks. My friend next to me is talking about the lucrative financial prospects of investment banking. I tell him that the number of hours an investment banker works is insane and that when you divide the salary by the number of hours, it doesn’t cut out to be all that flash. At the end of my response, I felt the ground shake and heard sirens screeching by. I nervously look to my right and guess what? There’s a nasty UC apple with two trashed girls devouring pizza, sauce smeared all over their faces. The girl looks at me and manages to spit out “what year are you in, kid?” I ignore it. She forces another question out of her mouth—“you’re a freshman, aren’t you British boy?” Ignore it, I tell myself and continue my conversation on investment banking. “Hey, you think you’re so good don’t you, British boy?” Ok, that’s it. Enough’s enough. “First of all, I’m Australian, second of all, yes, I am a freshman.” The guy next to me says “Well, don’t go talking shit about investment banking. I work for Goldman Sachs, and you’re a freshman and you don’t know shit!”

Let’s step back here and look at the situation. It’s a bit past 2 a.m., it’s a Thursday night, everyone is having fun, and these bad apples want to start an argument on who knows what about investment banking. For the record, two of my close friends are investment bankers, and this kid’s a junior with a couple of internships. What makes him think he’s automatically remotely better or more knowledgeable than I am in this particular topic of discussion? I look away in disgust but get distracted by the girl who force-swallows another giant bite of sloppy pizza. I look back again and let the guy know where he can shove it. Bam. I think I hit a nerve or at least popped a few brain cells. According to long-standing UCSC law, this junior cannot tolerate subordination: Rule One in the UCSC manual is that “no freshman shall purport his or her own rights or opinion over a superior.” Oops. I get launched with a barricade of abuse and insults—mainly about being British. The basic cerebral connection in understanding the difference between being British and Australian hasn’t quite sunk in yet. The loud gawking in the cafe calls in another UCSC vulture. He’s slightly more ogre-like and his shirt is tucked in at the front and under his underpants. Very stylish. I ponder whether it’s worth breaking the golden rule to give him some alternative advice. I choose to leave it as is for my own entertainment. He too sides with the junior, having entirely no idea about the situation. Rule Two—“when a fellow upperclassman is threatened, side with him by default, lest he be owned by an inferior.” Makes sense. So I tell the Goldman Sachs junior about basic social niceties and how to politely approach strangers. “If you want to prove your superiority, you don’t need to go prancing around with Goldman Sachs stamped on your forehead and tell freshmen to shut their you-know-whats up. Why don’t you just use your apparent greater knowledge to inform freshmen rather than persecute them?” The junior ponders long and hard and by my complete surprise, decides to apologize. It was a beautiful moment for me and a victory for all freshmen. He actually turned out to be a pretty decent guy. Although I couldn’t say much for his slightly more inebriated UCSC thugs.

I have no doubt that there are people who know more about investment banking than I do. But I still shudder at comments thrown around like “trust me, most of you don’t even have what it takes to be an I-Banker,” “you guys have no idea about anything to do with I-Banking”, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I couldn’t care less. It’s not even about investment banking. I mean, why am I in college? Aren’t I here to learn this sort of stuff on my own and become worldly through my own experiences? Maybe this is part of it. Learning to deal with assholes. But how does patronizing any group contribute to discussion in any, way, shape, or form? It doesn’t. It only serves to feed the insatiable, delicate egos of a few lame-balls. So to the nasty UC apples out there, stick to your own orchard and let us freshmen enjoy our first year. And for the first-years who know that no nasty UC apple will listen to my advice in adherence to Rule One of UCSC, think twice before wearing your Class of 2011 T-shirt.