Letter to the Administration: Video Games Are Essential

Dear Dean Quigley,

For the past few years, people have been singing the praises of electronic media’s uses in the field of education. Whether it is laptops in the classroom or classrooms on the Internet, it seems many are eager to jump on the virtual bandwagon. Indeed, electronic media can be incredibly useful when it comes to bettering ourselves. I know that I personally have benefited immensely from the hard work of the wizards who create these magical devices. Because of this, I think it’s about time that Columbia incorporated video games in our educational experience.

After my last letter, addressed to the Dean of Admissions, I have been barred from making up University studies to enhance my arguments. While I’m sure the ACLU would have something to say about this gross violation of my personal rights, I’m going to be the bigger man and not bring a lawsuit against the school. I just couldn’t bear to see my beloved alma mater being ripped to shreds by my crack legal team (who are undefeated against large institutions with a 0-0 record). As a result, I am forced to turn to an even higher authority than a university study: my own experience and resultant opinions.

Let me begin by telling you the story of a young, exceedingly handsome boy who wanted nothing more than to be a guitar player. His only problem? He was stubborn and refused to take lessons, largely because he felt he had better things to do than waste time actually learning to play the instrument. Because of this passionate refusal to learn, he cannot, to this day, play the guitar. Or can he? Because this very same boy picked up Guitar Hero one fateful November day and, after way too many hours spent slack-jawed in front of a television set, became the greatest guitar player of all time. I was that boy, Dean Quigley, and I am that guitar hero. The best part: I never had to take a lesson. By the magic of video game wizardry, I was able to almost instantaneously become a champion guitar player.

“What about golf?” you ask. A fine and obvious question. Golf is, after all, the single most important sport ever to be invented in Scotland, and it is still played by several people today. Unfortunately, it is categorically impossible to be good at golf without God-given natural talents such as those exhibited by Hercules or John Daly (take your pick, they’re practically interchangeable). Thanks to the Nintendo Wii, though, you can add one more to that list: me. After I bought the Wii, I became a golf pro. Nobody can swing that stick like I can. I practically birdie every hole. The holes I don’t birdie? Holes-in-one. Phil Mickelson, eat your heart out, because video games taught me to crush the links in a way you only wish you could, punk.

So far I have demonstrated my ability to do hyper-masculine things such as play a guitar like Hendrix and golf like Jesus—but what about the finer, more delicate things in life? Like, I don’t know... cooking? Already got that covered. This game called Cooking Mama Cook-Off has turned me into a veritable Iron Chef. Paella? I can make it. Shrimp in chili sauce? With hands behind my back (although not really, because then the controllers don’t work). With just the Wii controller, I have all the tools of the kitchen at my disposal. It’s only a matter of time before I have my own restaurant with three Michelin stars. Also, if these powerful tools had been used in John Jay, I probably wouldn’t have cancelled my meal plan after freshman year.

Now, some jerks out there may question these achievements of mine. They may say that virtual accomplishments aren’t “real.” I laugh heartily at these pathetic objections. Are you telling me that I am imagining the thunderous metal sounds coming from my television when I play Guitar Hero? You think that virtual crowd isn’t really rocking out to my furious shredding? You’re saying anyone can do that? Then you should come challenge me. Challenge me! You think anyone can just hole-in-one the 3rd hole of Wii Golf? No. It takes real skill to produce those results. And those skills, amigo, come from playing video games.

I hope these examples have proved useful. They weren’t necessary, of course, as the genius of incorporating video games into the curriculum is manifestly obvious. All the same, I encourage you to check these games out. In no time, you will realize that you are a more complete human being because of the skills you acquire when playing. As soon as we can figure out a way to get video games to handle the entire CC syllabus, we’ll have done it, my friend. We’ll have done it.

Virtually yours,
Eddie

The author is a Columbia College senior majoring in classics.