For Columnist, Modesty is Overrated

After watching Aaron Stewart win basketball PixBox last year, I figured it could be won by simply flipping a coin. Today I can tell you that belief still holds true.

While most columnists have GPAs ranging from 3.7 to 4.0, I can instead boast that my brain is brimming with sports knowledge. While my GPA has languished around a solid 3.0, my sports knowledge has increased (sorry, Mom and Dad).

The road to PixBox victory was tough, as I had weeks where I went 6-2, and then 2-6, mostly picking with my heart (which apparently helps in sports, but Kamran wouldn’t know that).

Going into the last week, I doubted that I could win, telling August that he or Kartik had the best chance. Scott and his partner had identical picks to mine and my partner’s.

Now, speaking of my partner, I hustled the shit out of you all. My guest picker, Madeline Lazaris, is a sports nut. We spend every Saturday afternoon watching football, where Maddy listens to my analysis of every play—that’s why she went 7-1. Maddy, you are a great guest picker, and never cease to amaze me.

Here are some shout-outs for the losers, starting from the bottom.

Kartik, when was the last time you were at the Spec office? Was it during our associate test in 2005? We definitely miss the days of Sports Kartik.

Joshua, I think we should make a deal. I give you five PixBox games, moving you up to sixth, and you give me seven bylines from the real publication for which you work. I think that’s a pretty fresh deal, right?

Kamran, how is that 85-mph fastball going? I hope you enjoy the radar ball that I am going to buy you for Hanukkah. Oh, and Michigan has another outstanding football team this year. (Fourth in the Big 10? Bravo.)

Chuckles, my beloved co-women’s basketball writer from our first year on Spec. Your jumper is the purest on Spec Sports, and I will never forget meeting your dad in Princeton.

Michael Shannon, something must be said about your columns. You probably have the highest reader per column ratio. I mean, who wouldn’t read a column about Snood?
JTay, you’re the most hipster kid I know. Go back to NYU.
P.S. Tell Lora via webchat that I say hi.

Jelani, I may have to knock the hustle right here. You talk about fantasy football all the time. I guess that’s all you are: talk.

Auggie, gone on any long walks on the beach lately? If you have, it’s probably been with your iPhone (or a certain unmentionable girl). Speaking of which, when’s the wedding? Can I be the best man? And by the way, next week will be USC/UCLA. Can’t wait. (See, I wasn’t too mean.)

Harwin, you write about football. You played football. I guess you’re just not good at picking football? Holly would have done much better than you, even though she wears too much Longhorn paraphernalia. Don’t even talk about the Rose Bowl—it still makes me angry.

Scott Hughes, remember the e-mail you sent out on the day after week two of PixBox? If not, here is part of it: “Can a columnist get some competition in PixBox? Seriously, the lack of opponents is boring the hell out of me. I mean, I want to win PixBox (and it looks like I will), but I want to do it the right way. Right now I feel like I’m stealing candy from a fat paralyzed blind woman who most likely got rejected from Barnard, and then, even worse, got rejected by Jon August.”

Enough said.

Velazquez—You are not the X-factor. That honor belongs to either Gatorade or Dante Hall (because they’ve got that trademarked). Tell Arturo at MLB that I say “woohoo!”
And while my column is over, my reign is only beginning. To quote an old Saturday Night Live skit, “I predict not a repeat, or a three-peat or even a four-peat, but an unprecedented eight-peat. That’s right, an eight-peat.”

Max Puro is a Columbia College junior
majoring in history.
Sports@columbiaspectator.com