In October 2003, first-year Miriam Casper, BC ’07, hit it off with a guy she met at a friend’s party on the roof of Woodbridge Hall. A year later, she married him and moved to Queens. After 18 months, she gave birth to her son Benjamin.

One week later, she graduated magna cum laude.

Most students at Barnard and Columbia College will spend their undergraduate years exploring varying levels of relationships and intimacy. But for a number of orthodox Jewish students, tying the knot while in college is the norm.

“I always hoped by the time I graduated college, I would be married, be engaged, or be dating someone I knew I wanted to marry,” said Molly Elkins, BC ’08, who married last month and moved to Washington Heights with her husband.

For Yael Hall, BC ’10, who is preparing for her January wedding, marriage came sooner than expected. “I was the last person anyone would think would be getting married,” Hall said. “I got really rude responses from friends who knew me like that, saying, ‘Wow, I really didn’t think you’d be one of the first ones to go.’”

While living in Cathedral Gardens may seem like a trek, married students commute from as far as New Jersey. According to Hillel Rabbi David Almog, marriage presents a disruption of a student’s college experience.

“In college ... friends really do become your family,” Almog said. “There’s a severe rupture that happens, when somebody gets married, of that bond.”

Rachel Fischer, BC ’08, who married last year, agreed that one of the hardest parts of matrimony was giving up campus connections.

“I definitely miss ... that environment where you’re always with people doing the same things,” said Fischer, who lives in New Jersey. “Everyone has midterms, everyone has finals, everyone’s in library.”

Elkins said she accepted that marriage meant giving up certain aspects of her old social life, including spending less time with her friends.

Marriage was a possibility she kept in the back of her mind from the beginning of college, though it did not dictate her plans.

“On some level it focuses you,” said Michelle Friedman, BC ’74 and a psychiatrist who counsels observant Jewish women. “If you’re a pre-med person you know what courses you take. If you want to get married, you focus on that. Finding a spouse is like finding a job.”

For Fischer, who is currently applying to law school, her time at Barnard was often a tough balancing act between family obligations and career aspirations.

“There’s always the constant temptation of ‘forget school, who cares? I’m married. ... What would be the difference?’” Fischer said. “But I can’t give up that aspect of my life. I couldn’t give up those goals.”

Yet some students feel no qualms prioritizing family life over college. “Marriage is much better than education and academics,” Elkins said. “I wasn’t going to push off my wedding six months to do a little bit better in all my classes. I live life and go to school, but I don’t let it conflict with celebrations or anything like that. That’s the wrong perspective for school.”

Friedman said it could be tricky for college women to balance the more traditional values of the orthodox community with contemporary careers, noting that going back and forth between traditional gender roles and modern college life is sometimes confusing.

For some women, the combined pressure to get married young and start a career can be overwhelming. In a community where marriage is often expected by a woman’s early twenties, time is of the essence.

“I have friends who come to me and say, ‘forget about it, it’s over, I’m an old maid,’” said Fischer, who is 22.

“I’ve met several women who said, ‘I’m trying to decide, do I want to get married young or do I want to go to graduate school,’ and they see it as a conflict,” Almog said.

Fischer added that some observant men are uneasy about marrying pre-professional women.

“A lot of guys don’t understand that girls don’t want to drop off everything to balance a family,” said an orthodox pre-med Barnard junior who declined to be named. “Guys want a girl that will be around to raise a family all the time.”

She added that a male friend of hers was considering breaking up with his pre-med girlfriend over these concerns.

But Fischer added that her own husband is taking a year off before medical school partially to ease her transition to law school.

Friedman has worked with women who felt conflicted about starting a family before they were ready. “I saw a young woman after college who felt enormous guilt about using birth control,” she said. “She felt there was no reason ... why she shouldn’t she be doing her mitzvah of having a baby. She had reservations but couldn’t really fully articulate them. She felt it was wrong of her to have reservations.”

Casper, who graduated in three years and took a full course load during both semesters of her pregnancy, recalled that her adviser recommended taking a semester off.

“I was a little stressed over the first week, thinking, ‘How in the world am I going to write a thesis?’” Casper said.

She now works full time as a financial advisor.

For many observant Jews, touching—let alone sex—is not permitted before marriage.
When Elkins introduced her then-fiancé to a non-religious friend, she told her not to shake his hand because he did not touch women. “When I said he didn’t touch me, she almost fainted,” Elkins said.

According to Friedman, remaining celibate until marriage is only one influence—but a significant one—on early marriage.

“Some of it [the push for early marriage] is motivated by pre-marital chastity and the pressure to want to have a full sexual relationship,” Friedman said.

Elkins disagreed. “I don’t think anyone makes a lifelong decision and commitment because of hormones,” she said.

One married Barnard student who declined to be named admitted that she and her husband kissed and hugged before marriage, although she said that desire for sex did not affect her decision.

Hall said she was most bothered by those who did not take it seriously. “We’re not playing house.”