Shit Happens

“Shit happens” is a concept we’re all too familiar with here in New York City. Crime, overpopulation, and high prices all contribute to making this area less than perfect. However, many of you have probably never even considered the town’s true underbelly which literally soils this fair city every day—those devious defecators—the pigeons.

Last month, legislation was passed making it illegal to feed the pigeons here in New York City, with a hefty fine of $1,000 put in place to ward off animal lovers and bored old people alike. This raises two big questions (at least for me): what are the moral implications of such a decision, and will this affect me or Columbia in any way?

As an animal rights activist, I’ll make the quick point that I’m not opposed to this legislation—at least not for the reasons you probably expect. The truth is that I don’t think people should feed the pigeons or any other animal that they aren’t going to domesticate and take care of. It’s neither good for the pigeons nor us to have an entire population of pseudo-wild birds expecting humans to deliver their next meal. I’ve known plenty of bums and moochers and let’s face it, being parasitic is only cool when parasites do it, otherwise you just look tacky and impolite.

My problem with this legislation is twofold: first, its implication that pigeons are vermin which we have the right to exterminate, and second, the outrageous $1,000 fine levied for potentially and indirectly annoying someone.

The next couple of paragraphs pretty much deal with my first grievance, so if you aren’t a fan of the animal rights point of view then by all means, skip ahead. Love them or hate them, pigeons are living creatures that feel pain and, in a biological sense, are just trying to get along in this world in the exact same way we are.

It’s easy to forget among the 70-story monoliths of concrete and glass that New York City is just another habitat. Sure, we made it this way. Sure, we designed it in our favor. But that doesn’t mean it’s ours. From tropical rainforests to continents of ice, every habitat on this planet supports a rich ecosystem of checks and balances. New York is no different. Yes, we are in fact bigger and more dangerous and that does afford us as a species a certain biological justification to push around everything else, but there’s a difference between pushing around and wiping out. I believe the architects of this legislation would prefer the latter.

At some point every animal has been called a vermin by somebody—even man’s best friend isn’t safe in China. I’m not writing this to offer my opinion on a specific animal so much as my general perspective—we shouldn’t categorize and classify animals exclusively on how convenient or useful their existence is for us. They exist, just as we do, for their own purpose and to their own ends, and they’ve made a home for themselves in this crazy city (something we all struggle with every day). Love them or hate them, at least respect them—they deserve that much.

So how is this new legislation going to affect you and Columbia? As a serial jaywalker and advocate of other such small victimless crimes, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it probably won’t. Sure, the fine is ridiculous. Sure, a conviction is a possibility. But for all practical purposes, I just don’t see this law being properly enforced (or Columbia students with an abundance of time and a deficit of alcohol choosing to spend said time and sobriety feeding birds). Will somebody at some point be convicted of this? Probably. Will it be you or anybody you know? Probably not. In the end, the police or whoever it is who enforces this sort of law will either forget about it or just not care, and eventually this legislation will take its rightful place among its half cousins: the $25 fine levied for “flirting” and the death penalty one receives for jumping off the Empire State Building.

The author is a graduate student in the School of Engineering and Applied Science studying computer science. He is vice president of Columbia Students for Animal Protection.