Super Tuesday Mad Libs

Despite my best efforts to procrastinate, I had to write this column on Monday night so that the editing staff could have time to deal with news, events, opinions, and things that actually matter around here. So I have no idea who’s “won” Super Tuesday on either side. For what it’s worth, I put money on Clinton coming up ahead in delegates by more than a hundred, but down in terms of states won via the popular vote, while McCain will thwomp Romney until the word “thwomp” gets added to the dictionary as “an onomatopoetic term for what McCain did to Romney,” even if Romney stays alive by winning in California. So if you catch me around campus and these predictions are untrue, feel free to point and laugh.

But never fear. Even though my heart (to say nothing of my liver) was crushed by the loss of the Patriots on Sunday, there’s enough left in there to conjure up a column you can complete yourself. If you’re too busy, I recommend saving this column as it should be relatively applicable four years from now.

(Congratulations/condolences)! Your candidate, (name of candidate), (may/may not) have (won/lost) on Super Tuesday, but it’s really your devotion to (his/her) cause of (your favorite form of “change,” i.e., “change we can believe in,” “change to experience we can count on,” or “loose change” for Ron Paul) that’s heartening to the democratic process in this country.

Yes, your candidate is an agent of (a change of some sort) but also of (a hot-button issue), and (his/her) presence in this race really contributed to the overall tone of the contest. And in (his/her) (winning/losing) yesterday, (he/she) really got that message through. Of course, the race (is/isn’t) over now, so we’ll have plenty to talk about in the next few months until the convention.

The fact that this race (was/wasn’t) really put away means that (your candidate) will have an opportunity to influence the outcome of the general election no matter what. Just thinking about the (adjective) grace that your candidate used to speak about (hot-button issue) makes a lot of people consider (his/her) opinions. It’s not just about (change/experience/conservative values), it’s about who’s going to be the best president.

And if the voters have decided it (is/isn’t/just might be/still could be) your candidate this year, that’s a wake-up call for you to get more involved in the race. We can talk ourselves to death in the ivory tower, but getting out on the street, shaking hands, making phone calls, and being visible is the best way to get the actual issues that matter to you out in the open.

The only sad part in this race is that with the parties settling on the (establishment/outsider) candidates, you might find yourself on the fence about (hot-button issue of your choice). Often people with a far-(left/right) position on (social issue of your choice) feel disenfranchised by (your candidate)’s center-(left/right) position on the issue. At other times, moderates might be equally disillusioned by (your candidate)’s perceived pandering to (a demographic segment of your choice) with (his/her) position on (hot-button issue), but that’s part of politics as usual. As a supporter, someone who can look beyond the rhetoric of (an amusingly overused statement of your choice, i.e., “ready from day one,” “fierce urgency of now,” “mills mills mills mills mills son of a millworker grates mills”), you have a unique opportunity to make a personal case for supporting (your candidate).

It’s easier than you think to talk to people about your candidate of choice, even your (close relation or significant other) who might be a (Democrat/Republican/Libertarian/convicted felon). Issue politics will ultimately make a huge difference when a person goes into the booth and (pulls the lever/presses the button/hangs the chad), while a personal connection with you is almost as good as a personal connection with (your candidate), who might sometimes give off the impression of being remotely-located on a national stage.

Hopefully, engaging in personal politics will (soften the blow/sweeten the victory) for you, even if you didn’t manage to cast a ballot this season. We’ve got some time with the nominations (all wrapped up/still ongoing) before the general season starts up, so why not get out and do some (recreational activity)? You might even go a few days without having to talk about this nonsense.

Chas Carey is a Columbia College senior majoring in political science and American studies. What Where runs alternate Wednesdays. Specopinion@columbia.edu