A How to Guide to Dodge Fitness

The overcrowding at Dodge Fitness Center has gotten out of hand. Anyone who works out on a regular basis would agree with me on this. I’d blame the University, but I think the Athletic Department has done everything in its power to maximize the available space down there. We aren’t going to get a new full-service gym any time soon, so I thought I would give some recommendations to help the gym run a little bit more smoothly. These are just my observations, with some additional wisdom coming from my suitemates, the Internet, and a meathead I trapped using a protein shake as bate. Hopefully their input can help the situation.

1. Plan your workout before coming to the gym. If the average patron of Dodge Gym wrote down what they did in a workout, it would look something like this:
-Stretch, ogle girls on the treadmills
-Get totally caught, hide by the assisted pull-up machine, pretend you were heading there anyway
-Misunderstand directions and add too much weight, end up getting slingshot over balcony and trampled by basketball players
-Bicep curls, ogle girls
-Bench press

Going to the gym is a waste of time without realistic goals in mind and a way to keep track of progress. Writing down a workout beforehand also leads to less time spent wandering around. For advice and sample workouts, I suggest the Web site www.t-nation.com. It has articles like “From Brain to Biceps” and “Applied Nutrigenomics.” I think this Web site unofficially endorses steroids. In any case, it’s the first step on the road to getting jacked.

2. Appreciate the fact that you can get a decent workout in your dorm.
There are satellite gyms in East Campus and McBain that are rarely crowded. Granted, the lobby of a dorm isn’t a great environment to sweat off stress, but neither is Dodge when it’s packed. Also, push-ups, sit-ups, and Flintstones Push-up Pops are all great.

3. Put back weights when you’re finished, and wipe down the machine you used.
It seems like if someone goes to the gym with the express purpose of picking up and putting down weights, it wouldn’t be a big deal to move them from where they don’t belong to where they do belong, but most of the time people leave weights mismatched on the floor. This slows things down for everyone. As for cleaning the equipment, I don’t claim to know what’s in the yellow spray bottles next to the paper towels, but I do know that it’s cleaner than your back sweat.

4. Mellow out.
I’m thinking of two kinds of people here. The first is someone who goes into the gym and grunts on every rep of every set, as well as during water breaks. It’s appropriate to make some noise if you’re really exerting yourself, but there’s no reason to scream like a caveman 10 times straight. Some of these noises really have no place in a public setting. As my friend Julian put it, “grunts are okay, moans aren’t.”
The other person that bothers me is the one who does wind sprints around the track. If your workout program is so hard-core that it involves all-out sprints where you push innocent bystanders out of your way, then man up and go outside with a sweatshirt.

5. Workout parties of four or more
At some colleges, where the gym is large enough to handle the needs of the student body, it’s okay to use working out as a social event. In fact, that’s awesome. Dodge is so small, though, that this is unreasonable. If you think about it, when you get all your friends together to go work out at Dodge, you’re basically saying, “Hey, wanna go push iron blocks around in a silent, stale, dimly lit basement?” This is New York City. There are better ways to bond with your friends.

6. Add a sound system
This last one goes out to the Athletic Department. A little bit of music would totally transform Dodge. People would workout harder with ’80s hard rock encouraging themas they grind out reps. This would, in turn, get them out of the gym faster. Crowds would diminish, the campus would be more fit, and more people would appreciate Guns N’ Roses. If these benefits don’t get the Athletic Department’s attention, I’d also like to add that this solution is cheap.

In conclusion, Dodge leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s the best we’ve got. A little bit of consideration would go a long way in making Dodge a bit more bearable for everyone.