My Beard Says I'm 20

Isaac Sullivan sat alone in an alcove of Butler Library, precociously spreading out his books on the table in front of him, grabbing some off the shelves to make his study situation seem slightly more intense than it actually was. He had already spent 9 hours in the library that day and felt that he had earned the rights to that space for the few hours he left for dinner and a party in EC. Standing up, he turned to make sure the contents of the alcove look important enough to be left alone. Satisfied, he left Butler, and it was as dark out as it was when he went in that morning.

“Hey Isaac!” someone called from behind. Turning, he spotted Sophie Red Gardner running towards him from the direction of Lerner.

“Oh hey, Sophie,” he replied unexcitedly as she skipped up to him in short shorts and a tank top. “What’s up?”

“When do you want to meet to do our Frontiers project? I’m free tomorrow night around 7.”

“Oh sorry, I have a Spec meeting until 8. How about after that?”

“You write for the Spec? That’s cool, what section?”

“Music. I cover indie rock, mostly around the city, concerts and stuff.”

“Oh, sweet!” Sophie replied over-enthusiastically, “Have you written anything recently?”

“Yeah, they just ran a piece I wrote about The Decemberists.”

“But I thought you said you covered indie music?”

“Yeah, I do...” Isaac replied confused.

“But the Decemberists aren’t indie. They’re pretty well-known.”

“Yeah, but until recently they’ve been under an indie label.”

“Well that doesn’t make them indie. I figured someone who wrote about indie music would at least know what indie music was.”

“Is.”

“What?”

“I should at least know what indie music is.”

“Yeah I know, that’s what I said. Well, you should write an article on Belle and Sebastian— they’re indie. And have you ever heard of Bright Eyes? I bet you haven’t—they’re actually indie.”

Trying his best to ignore Sophie, Isaac pushed on: “When do you want to meet, then?”

“I guess it’ll have to be tomorrow at 8 because I can’t tonight— I’m having a party in my Carman suite.”

“Oh, really? That’s cool. What time?”

“Oh well, it’s only for my floor. But I’ll see you tomorrow around 8! Awesome! See you later, hun!”

Annoyed, Isaac walked quickly to John Jay to get some food in his stomach before the party. In the middle of his second bowl of Lucky Charms, Alex Tang, a girl he met during NSOP, called.

“Hey Isaac, Kyle called and asked if we’d be able to get some Bailey’s and eggnog for tonight.”

“Well, do you have a fake?”

“No, do you?”

“Well, no. But I haven’t shaved in like a week, so I think I can pass at International.”

Finishing his phone call and cereal, Isaac hurriedly left John Jay with a couple of apples in his pocket for breakfast the next day.

“Hey Isaac!” Alex yelled as she spotted Isaac walking down the stairs by Butler. “You ready?”

“Yeah. And I have a good idea. You stand outside and talk to me on the phone because you look too young. I’ll be inside talking to you on my cell like buying alcohol is just something normal for me. I only have a 20, though, do you have any cash? It’ll just be easier if I just use cash.”

“Umm, yeah, here you go.”

“Thanks, alright, call me before we cross the street.”

“Ok.”

They crossed the street while on the phone with each other, and Isaac left Alex a few feet shy of the door.

“Are you kidding me?” Isaac said loudly on his phone so that everyone turned to look at him as he walked in the door. “So what do you want me to pick up?” Isaac continued loudly, to make sure people would know he was on the phone. “White wine or red? Oh, really, we already have some? Then what? Oh, alright. Yeah, I should be home in 20 minutes or so.” He stood in line struggling to maintain a conversation typical of a twenty-one year old. Finally, he reached the counter, with a number of people waiting in line behind him. “Hi, I’d like a bottle of caramel Bailey’s.”

“$28.47” Isaac took out his wallet, still talking to Alex loudly. “How is your brother doing? Should we visit him this weekend?”

“Oh could I see an ID?” the cashier asked plainly.

“Sure,” Isaac asserted, trying to conceal his panic. Hurriedly searching through his wallet, Isaac pulled out his Columbia ID. “Oh sorry, I only have my Columbia ID. Is that okay?”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-one.”

“When is your birthday?”

“Umm, May ... May 15th ... 1987.”

The cashier met eyes with Isaac, who kept his hand poised, ready to take his change from the man.

“You’re not 21.”

“Wait ... what? What do you mean?”

“1987? You’re only twenty.”

“No ... I ...” Isaac didn’t have the dignity to stand there any longer to do simple subtraction so he snatched back his 40 dollars still sitting on the counter and ran out of the store.”

“What. The. Fuck. Isaac.”

“I ... I panicked! It seemed so much older!”

“You’re a fucking math major!”

“I can do mathematics, Alex, but I suck at arithmetic!”

“What? They’re the same thing!”

“You use two different sides of your brain, Alex! You know I’m sensitive about the left side of my brain!” yelled Isaac, as he started to notice pedestrians staring. “Shut up!”

“Well, what are we going to do now? We can’t show up to a party without booze.”

“Well, why not? Everyone else is bringing it right?”

“Well yeah, but it doesn’t even out. Everyone brings approximately how much they will drink by themselves. If two people show up without anything, even if one gracious soul brings enough for 2 people, one of us is still screwing everyone else! We just can’t go now!”

“Fine. Well, I have eggnog in my room and I’m camped in an alcove if you want to go.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Alex resigned.

In Carman, Alex and Isaac waited at the elevators to get to Isaac’s room. A group of freshmen dressed in what appeared to be anything but clothes arrived at the elevator just as it was opening and crowded in with the two disheartened first-years.

“Where are you going dressed in duct tape?” Alex asked one member of the group.

“Sophie Red is having a party,” he replied.

“But don’t you live in John Jay?” Isaac asked, confused.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with it?” The duct-tape-suited guy told him.

The group got off the elevator on the floor below Isaac’s as the two tried to take in the situation.

Trudging back into Butler, Isaac and Alex climbed the stairs to the alcove where Isaac left all of his books. Walking into the alcove, Isaac saw a group of students talking in a language he didn’t understand. Looking around, he noticed all his books stuffed into the shelves with all the other books.

“Did you guys move these?”

“Move what? They were there when we got here.”

Without another question, Isaac placed the eggnog on the table and walked away.